Surgery, You Suck! ( Part I.)

So: It's been a whole full week since I got my left boob cut off..so I think I'm ready to collect my thoughts on it and coherently write about how the whole experience was. It has definitely not been fun and recovery has been pretty tough on me...but what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger right? :)


I wanted to start off by finally posting a picture of my grandma...I had limited movement but I went through my parents' old photo albums and found this one of me and her:

Look at me all prim and proper!

I kind of remember when this picture was taken. My mom used to make me dress up for all the holidays and this was during Thanksgiving. Grandma had come from the old Greyhound bus and came up with my step-grandfather to visit... Many people don't really know this but my Grandma actually lived and settled in NYC for most of her later adult life right on Canal Street in Chinatown. I used to love visiting her and I think that was my first experience that made me love New York so much today. She would let me stay in her room and she always had old Asian perfumes that were in glass bottles with the little rubbery squeeze things for the spritzer. Every morning I would hear the the various sounds- people yelling, screaming, vendors getting ready for the day and  garbage trucks....come dawn, the city just came alive...I remember thinking to myself someday at some point of my life I was going to live here. She also had an odd window in the hallway that just faced the other building and when you looked down it  faced an alley...When I think of that scene in my head it reminds me of the set design for" West Side Story" and I just thought it was the coolest thing. It was a fun time in life. My Grandma used to take little bus trips all the time and she was pretty active in meeting friends in the city and playing Mah-jong. This was before all that shitty Cancer came and made everything into a big empty black hole of just memories...

I thought about her as I started fasting for my surgery and mentally preparing myself. I don't know how she got to the point where she just accepted this whole thing and just moved on with life and pushed through every tough moment. I'm still pretty pissed off and angry with everything in my life right now and I'm dealing with it the best way I know how, but I give my Grandma huge credit for having the strength and grace to go through all the shit I am going through now. She is one tough New Yorker broad!!! LOL. You have to also realize that when she had the cancer she was much older than I am now. She was already in her 60's and her body could withstand all the battle scars. Amazing. It blows my mind away actually. 

I'd also like to randomly point out that my parents still have those chairs in the kitchen still, and actually not much has changed in the house at all.  Also the table in the picture is now at my apt...:) Some things just can't be thrown away because they withstand all types of  the tests of time. Everytime I eat at that table I think about all the good times I've had over the years with my family and also all the food we ate...! HAHAHA

The day before surgery I went and got a massage. It was a little awkward at first because the masseuse was a nice older Russian woman, and she told me to kind of tie up my hair with this weird headband thing. I just used my secret smart  Asian saavy skillz and just velcro-ed it together and made a knot and turned it into a hair band instead so my hair was kind of half up. I told her I had a port and to kind of avoid the area and she didn't ask any questions about it.I had to lie face down at first so she kinda was moving my hair up some more but she moved it so much it basically was coming off at the back and obviously my secret was out....I told her it's my fake weave and she was like "oh it's ok, no problem" and proceeded to tell me I had a lot of tension on my shoulders...NO KIDDING RIGHT? "It's all this bullshit booby burden I'm carrying" I thought to myself and almost chuckled out loud...rather than make the whole experience weird I just kinda told her I had surgery the next day and that I had Cancer and that I needed something to relax besides drugs. She felt bad and by the end of the massage she told me she would pray for me which was nice. I hadn't had a massage in soo long it felt AMAZING. It made me feel like sweet strawberry jam afterwards HAHA!

Anyhow, I was not looking forward to the fact that I couldn't eat or drink after midnite...it was more so that I couldn't drink. UGH. I was getting over a bad cold and I am the type of person that goes out and buys the 24 packs of bottled water every week and I drink a ton of bottles a day  along with my seltzers and iced teas so this was going to be annoying for me. My mom was also pressing for me to go to her house after surgery and I was not really looking forward to this. I told you all I like my distance and kind of like just being left alone so the thought of being at my house for a week with mommy daddy and my brother was giving me anxiety. I also like to be in control of what I do so mentally to be reverted back to being a teenager again was going to be challenging. I had a good night before the surgery...after the massage I met up with various friends- had a good lunch, went shopping on my own, then I had a fun dinner and I ate ice cream up until 11:30pm...I got home pretty late and I was dreading packing up a bag for both the hospital and then for my parents afterwards...I kind of just threw everything in the bags and didn't really think of  any cute outfits- I mostly threw in loose fitting sweats and like 10,000 tank tops that would mold to my new non existent boob. 

MY SURGERY

I had to be at the hospital an hour and a half before the surgery start time of 9:30am- which means I'm supposed to get my butt there around 8am for all the admission and prep crap. I had mentally prepared not to really sleep at all since I am already a certified insomniac so I only got like 2-3 hours of sleep. When I woke up not only was I running late, the weather was totally depressing me. It was rainy cold and wet outside! UGH. I took this as a bad sign and I was immediately in a bad mood. I threw on my sweats, my kicks, my glasses and my hair and  in a few minutes my brother came to help me get my bags and my mom drove us over. I think  got there a little after 8:30 am. I was on edge and afraid they were going to yell at me being late but thank GOD they didn't. The main campus building at Beth Israel always gives me random memories. I was born at this hospital so I found it ironic, but so was my brother. I remember leaving with my family the day we brought him home and my grandma had bought  me a coloring book and crayon set from the gift shop to sort of soften the blow that there was this new YONG in the household. YEAH the crayons didn't cut it but I digress...

I had to check in at the front and it was such a pain in the ass system. They gave me a beeper but then immediately took me upstairs and I had to pass the beeper to either my mom or brother to go next but we couldn't go up together. The front desk person told me only one person can go at a time so I figured my mom would just come first. 

When I got upstairs in the prep area they directed me to my little surgery bed. I threw my duffle bag on the chair and just sat there and took it all in. In a few hours I would be left boob-less. I didn't really know how I felt about it quite yet...I had said my goodbyes to it the night before but it's just a weird thing to part with. I never really LOVED my boobs so I don't have a physical attachment to it but it was more of an emotional attachment. This was something that has been my own for 32 years and now it's going to just be sliced and diced and tossed. It was bizarre to me....I tried to just not think about it too much. Plus I was tired and sleepy and THIRSTY as all hell from not being able to have any water so my attention span was low. The nurse came over and told me to strip everything and put the gown on...UGH. I always hate the impersonal ugly hospital gown. It's itchy, really long and super duper UGLY. If I am going through breast cancer, you can at least make it fucking FABULOUS and give me a hot pink one but whatever. 

My mom comes up within a few minutes of me getting undressed. I thought about wearing my wig to the OR, but the nurse told me I had to take it off and gave me a bag to toss it in. If I hadn't told her she prob wouldn't even have know because if I had my real hair they would just make me tie it up anyways so I didn't see the difference but I didn't argue. They gave me one of those HIDEOUS shower cap things to wear and of course being the vain girl I am, I took a pic for all of you to enjoy:

I'm too sexy for my cap, too sexy it hurts!

I KNOW I look vastly different from when I'm all dolled up with makeup and looking all girly cute to looking like a pale, sick, withering gross Jen with glasses and baggy clothes LOL. I also haven't worn these glasses in months and since my whole glamorous sweat pant and t-shirt outfit had a pink and black theme, I did veer away from my usual purple ones and choose the black ones... I did think about this color scheme and decided to rock my intellectual glasses before going under. HAHAA...these are the things that go through my mind when I am about to have the most important surgery of my life- outfit and glasses...I have great priorities, I know. Ah well.

The nurse then asked me if I had other family members around and I told them my brother was still downstairs. ( My dad couldn't make it he had to work and would come visit me later that night) She was really sweet and nice and she told me they usually only let one member of the family stay but that she would let it be okay for my brother to come up right before I go in. My mom went to go get him so it was nice the both of them were there before I was going to be drugged I mean induced to sleep...:)

Time was now moving fast. I got all the anal nurses up in a tizzy because I was supposed to have all my piercings out and I did take them all off at home including my tummy piercing and all my earrings but I had one earring on my right side of my ear where the backing was locked and would NOT budge. Literally 5 nurses tried to get it off of me. I hardly think this little earring would give me an infection but they were hell bent on trying to get me to remove it. One nurse started gossiping to another like I was some Jezebel of the operating room.... hahahaha!!! It made me feel like I was having a child out of wedlock in the South and now I can no longer particiapte in my coming out ball. Oh why I DO DECLARE!

A few minutes later my awesome tumor surgeon- Dr. Houlihan came and she told me I was doing great and to not worry and that everything was going to turn out fine. I was so used to her being in dresses and makeup and  jewelry that I almost didn't recognize her in scrubs. The nurses mentioned my earring to her as I rolled my eyes and my Dr. was like "oh, PLEASE let's not even worry about that, it's on the opposite side anyhow...I'll just put a piece of cotton behind it in case we have to tilt her head and it will be fine...I know you guys are just trying to be preventative, but who knows why we do HALF the things that are so called protocol, anyways?"....

DAMN I respected her even more after that and then all the nurses shut up their bitchings and whisperings and left me alone...LOL

An IV was then place on my right hand. UGH I hate hand IV's sooo much. They freak me out and it always HURTS like a BITCH. Never mind I have a fucking port so why don't you use it?!!! They told me it wasn't allowed or something.  Then the short, unattractive anesthesiologist came over and did his song and dance...blah blah blah you might get sick after and have nausea and blah blah blah your throat might hurt from the tube we stick down your throat, etc. I kind of didn't like him. He seemed nervous, jittery and gave me weird vibes like he wasn't confident in his speech and actions- which is NOT a good vibe when you are about to go under the knife. I also thought to myself : IF I'm going to be brought to life after being drugged/poisoned/accidentally killed/etc. I'd take any of the Disney princes, a vampire OR werewolf or even the Snuggle Downey bear to wake me up with a magical glorious kiss- but HELL NO, not HIM, so I droned him out for most of his lecture. Sooner or later like an annoying gnat, he buzzed off. BUH-BYE.

Oh yes Prince Eric please take me away to your castle!

Also, I didn't get sick when I had my port placed back in November so I didn't think much about the anesthesia at all. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to feel or see any of this crap but BOY was I wrong, but more on this later. 

I don't think I have QUITE enough saline in my body! UGH

At this point my mom was on my left side sitting in the chair and she began to cry all of a sudden. SHIT. I felt so bad and I couldn't tell if it was tears of pain for me or tears of joy that surgery was helping me get one step closer. During this whole Cancer thing I have never seen her cry. I mean I know I don't live at home anymore and I don't see her daily so maybe she does at home, but I knew all of  it obviously upset her and she likes to express it by being overbearing and overprotective which drives me CRAZY, but she has never cried about it to me in person. I didn't even know what to do. Dr Houlihan immediately went over to her and consoled her and told her not to worry and that she was in good hands and that all would be well. :) 

My brother Darren was like :

"Come on Mom, don't cry, Jen is the one going through this and even SHE isn't even crying" so that made me feel like an even tougher bitch inside and that I was going to get through this goddamned surgery and get through to the next step.  My mom nodded and patted me, and pulled herself together and gave me a half smile. 

Don't Cry for Me. Argentina! :(

Dr. Houlihan then marked me with a sanitized marker and initialize where she would operate. Then a few minutes later Dr. Lee came over to do the same very briefly. Unlike Dr. Houlihan, he is not as touchy feely, talkative or emotional. TYPICAL MAN! LOL...He barely said 4 words to me and kind of glanced at my brother and then patted me for like 3 seconds. One might think he was stand-offish and stuck up, but I really just think he's aloof and just not good with people skills. Some doctors are just like that- you have the super compassionate ones that act like they are your mother or you get the ones who know their shit and just keep to themselves. I have no problem with either....However, he looked like he was running late since he was dressed normally and not in any scrubs. I said my final goodbyes-for nows to my mom and Darren and adjusted myself on the bed....and enjoyed what little freedom I had left.

Then they started to sedate me and injected some meds into my IV....the last thing I remember is being pushed into the operating room....

To be continued.....Part II soon. 

Thoughts in my head as I was being pushed into the operating room? 

I can't wait to get a freaking unsweetened iced tea because I am fucking thirsty!

I'm a Fighter, Bitches! <3

Also, I know Grandma Yong was there rooting for me in spirit :) 

Pre-Op Jitters/Remembering Grandma

So... after 8 months of  dealing this trifling bullshit called stupid Breast Cancer, I am FINALLY scheduled for surgery....date of this glorious event: Next Wed, June 13th at the crack ass of dawn.  Am I happy? Yes and No. I'm more nervous than anything but I have been waiting for this day for a very very very VERY long time. And I just want to begin the muther effin' healing process already!


If you don't understand what a big deal this is to me, allow me to break it down for you.  I have endured my body through 16 fucking long ass chemo treatments. ALL of them over 3 hrs long at a time. The first 4 chemo sessions which were 2-3 weeks apart were THE most disgusting  I've ever had to ever endure and deal with in my life. Not to mention all this other shit: The switching of health insurance, losing my pretty well paid full time job of over 5 years, a shitty breakup and relationship crap, the addition of a port to my body, the stress of finding a new treatment center, the nausea, the constipation, the insomnia, the drugs, the loss of appetite, the weight loss, the days in bed, the day right AFTER chemo when I would have to drag myself out of bed to get a shot to control the white blood cells in my body...the horrible hair loss, the tears, the pain, the frustration, the loss of my menstrual cycle, the difficult hot flashes... THE FUCKING MOVING of APTS that I had to do in between feeling like shit...the back and forth general bullshit....being sick at Thanksgiving, being sick in the hospital after Christmas, missing New Years and lying in the hospital bed depressed that this was happening...and then during the second half of Chemo- worrying about the constant nausea, the steroids that make you gain weight, the ultrasounds, the catscans, the constant drawing of blood, the going to the hospital every fucking week for MONTHS, and now the continuing of going back every 3 weeks for one fucking year. All the doctor appointments- including the surgeon, the plastic surgeon, the social workers, the oncologist,  radiologists, my 2 PCPS- dealing with constantly driving back and forth to the FREAKIN' Shapiro building....the 50 times I had to pay for parking. UGH. Are you exhausted just reading all of this yet? Besides all the times I've had friends come and the occasional parent, I did this shit ALL ON MY OWN. Drove there when I was sick, Drove back when I wanted to shoot myself.


But most of all - it's the emotions that run in my head daily. I know it's easy to say to someone, "Oh you'll get through it, and you are strong" but this has really tested my fucking strength and endurance. I am still amazed I have not thrown up fucking ONCE. You are talking to a girl that if I even had 2 shots or 1 alcoholic drink, I would throw up. And yet I had the most disgusting mix of cocktails of ALL, and my body took it like a goddamned CHAMP. It's crazy.


Besides having mini emotional meltdowns, and trust me, I have felt suicidal and fucked up at various stages of this, 


 I am a firm believer that all things in life happen for a greater reason- whether happy, sad, or both. I know I have said that in a past post, but it's totally true- in the end it just makes you think about things in a different perspective and it just makes you much stronger. Never in a million years would I have thought that at age 32, I would have to deal with such a life changing illness. There have been many times in my life where I would wish I was sick to get out of doing something, or have like a broken leg to just see how it would feel like. I know this will sound sadistic, but when I was a kid, I used to pound my nose to give myself nosebleeds just to see if I could make myself bleed and then see if I could stop it... I am a truly sick and messed up human I know, LOL, but I wished Cancer was that easy to stop- 'cause TRUST me- I'd like to give it several big freakin' POUNDS with both fists. Repeatedly.


Emotionally, secretly I have been a super wreck over various shitty things in my life that I am unable to control - People not being there, broken promises,  temporary happiness, glimpses of things that could be, but can't at the moment.... restless nights and half filled days, but those are things that I can't change overnight. 


And I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME. In order to heal in all areas, I just have to say FUCK IT. And just DO ME. 
karma is my bitch. And it will rear its head soon. You really see who is there for you and has your back when you go through shit like this...it's almost like it weeds out all the selfish self absorbed assholes and lets you see the light.


Above all, I need to clear my head mentally from all the bullshit. I have to. If I don't, I will forever let these feelings of negativity drag me down. But I am the first to say that I don't ever want to deal with this again. I know that there are no guarantees in life and this will always be a part of the rest of my life from now on, but I REALLY do not, and CAN NOT have this re-occur in my life again. I think I will completely be fucked up if it does later in my life. I'm serious. I will do everything in my power to have a better outcome in the long run. I have seen Cancer slowly drain the life out of my once happy healthy grandmother to someone spending the last days of her life trying to breathe from a tube and looking thin, frail and not the wonderful happy grandma I knew. 


And it scares me. I remember the last time I saw her. It was right around Christmas. Almost about 10 years ago. I never really dealt with death well and I knew my grandmother was sick for a long time. Instead of always being there for her, I pushed  all her sickness away like it didn't exist and  until it was too late. My parents sensed that she was going to pass soon so before Christmas, we all went to the hospital to see her one last time and give her some gifts. I remember I was just frozen in the doorway just staring at her. She just looked so small and sad and covered with blankets I almost didn't recognize her. And it made me feel so sad inside. My dad yelled at me to go into the room to see her closer. I really didn't understand what cancer really was back then and the effect it had. I was just completely clueless. My grandmother had breast Cancer first (then later Ovarian). From what I can remember she only had one side removed but she recovered with flying colors . In fact, instead of having my dad drive her to and from chemo, most times, she insisted on taking the shuttle from her apt (where she lived alone) and handled most of that herself. I remember she was always weak and tired but she still pushed herself to do normal things like  cook us her amazing dinners and try to do family nights with us.  These are the things I remember...and that is how I want to remember her. She was pretty damn amazing. 


But back to that day, at the hospital. I wanted to cry. Somehow it didn't come out right. She saw me and I could see that she wanted to say something to me but because of the tube she couldn't utter the words and struggled a lot. She just smiled at me and blinked at me, but I knew what she wanted to say. I felt paralyzed and guilty that I should have done more instead of being the selfish teenager that I was at the time. I know she wasn't mad at me but I was mad at myself for a long, long time over that. 


A day later, after midnite, the hospital called us to tell us she had passed. (She had Ovarian Cancer and was recovering but it came back  and various other issues so her body had shut down) I heard the entire call but I pretended I was half asleep because I was in shock. I used to leave my room door half opened because I liked the shadow it made against the wall and I could always see a flash of light when my parents passed my door to get to their room, but that night my mom's shadow lingered as she creaked open my door to tell me that yan yan was gone.


I also have never seen my father ever cry in my entire life and that was the first time. 
So did my mom. My brother was really young at the time and he was super attached to my grandmother (she helped to raise him and had a special bond with him)... I remembered that they wanted to soften the blow so they told him in the morning. It was heartbreaking to see my brother so devasted.  It was a tough time. 


I know my grandmother is always with me in spirit....like I said I am very much like her and I know she is looking out for me and protecting me so far because I feel her presence at times. I often wonder if she would be proud of me if she was still around today. I hope so. I know she was super close to my brother and she would be sooo delighted and happy to see that he followed his dreams and does something he is passionate about...so there really isn't a time where I didn't wish she was here to share in all he good times we've had and to see us grow up into young adults.


Anyhow, I know this is an emotional post but these are the thoughts that are in my head before surgery. The next time I write I will probably be home from surgery and going insane at my parents house....I don't really talk about my grandparents a lot because I don't have any that are still alive and I didn't really know any of them but my grandmother. 


Anyhow.... please give me strength to get through this surgery. I am having my left breast/tumor removed and a tissue expander put in so I can start the radiation a few weeks later then have reconstruction then the right side of my breasts removed as well. Baby steps :)


I will try to be extra strong for you, Yan-Yan/ Grandma Yong <3 I know she would be cheering me on, and remember, I'm stubborn like her, so I will AS SURE as HELL come out of this in one piece....I am, of course a YONG, and we don't ever give up! :)


I wish I can put in a pic of my her here but I don't have any pics at my apt...All our pics were before camera phones and digital cameras so I will post one soon when I find one of her and me :) A project for when I'm home...

X Marks the Spot X

I WILL MAKE SURGERY MY BITCH!

Silicon/Saline/Fatty Valley

Annnnd I'm back! 


This weeks fun filled topic is plastic surgery! So last Friday I had my first consultation with Dr. Lee, my new Asian plastic surgeon. ( This comes into play when I explain later LOL ) Steph was nice enough to come with me and keep me company. We had plans to sort of go see a movie but the timing didn't quite work out but she wanted to come anyways. I thought the appt. would be a quick hour or so, but NOPE 2 FREAKING HOURS of talking about boobs. Shoot me. 


First of all, the appt was on the West Campus and not in the good old Shapiro building that was becoming my second home so it was a foreign building with old elevators and creepy quiet hallways. It was more like a traditional suite when you go to a dr's appt and less of a hospital setting. For those of you that will never have the pleasure of experiencing going to a plastic surgeon let me tell you about the whole process of it.  


So as soon as you go in you have to do about 15 minutes of repetitive paperwork about your health history etc. Most of you probably never noticed but about a year/year and a half ago I was a pretty heavy smoker and could prob smoke about 2 packs a week...but I have cut back a lot and only really smoke when I am completely stressed out or when the mood strikes. I know it's disgusting and given my freakin circumstance of having CANCER I really shouldn't be doing it, but I don't drink and really have any vices so relax, at least I am not doing other hard drugs to deal with this crap...although I have thought about it as morbid as that sounds...But honestly my body can't even handle cigs right now. I used to smoke camel menthol lights - yes with the extra menthol burst and I can't even imagine having those again. UGH. The cloves I like are not any better but what are you gonna do. My throat is killing me as it is...so I will have to stop all together.


Anyhow, after the paperwork we were ushered into this side office where they made me watch a powepoint presentation with all the different types of breast reconstruction- complete with pictures of naked women who have all had breast cancer and the before and after pictures. To be honest it was really making me sick and queasy and making this whole process even more real. Me and Steph were amazed at all the new high tech things they can do with the surgery and how quick the recovery time was for all of the procedures but it was kinda just scary looking at all these deep scars all these women had. Not to mention I couldn't even tell you all the complicated lingo they had for everything. I just kind of flipped through everything quickly as a case of implants were staring back at me.


After that, I got ushered into the exam room where I met the Dr's nurse- Marie. She was really nice and very informative and she knew her shit and was very upfront and direct but as she was talking to me she kept patting my knee and touching me and I really don't like that LOL. I'm not really touchy feely in general so it makes me uncomfortable. I almost feel like it's almost patronizing because they think that makes you feel better but it really doesn't.... if she was going to touch me one more time I was going to straight up snap, but I keep it inside and tried my best to just be a happy camper. She was only trying to do her job to make me feel important.  They also made me sign a waiver because the dr. was going to basically take pictures of me and I knew it would be awkward but didn't know how awkward LOL UH OH.


Dr. Lee then comes in. Now first impression is that he kind of reminded me of my brother Darren. He's very young and intelligent and obviously very well educated although he looked like he was about 20. He also graduated from Harvard and was also a professor there so as an Asian I was impressed LOL.  He was very professional and well spoken but a tiny bit awkward. I don't really prefer male dr's with sensitive things like breasts and like PAP smear shit, but he came with high recommendations from all my all drs....He apparently is "the breast man" LOL  He also had a female Asian intern in the room who didn't really talk  and Steph nicknamed "Shanghai Sally" or something to that effect hahahaa, but I just felt a little overwhelmed with so many people in the room. Right off the bat, he told me to change into a johnny and that he would take pics of my breasts and butt area...UGH. I made Steph hide behind the curtain and so the dr. came over and made me dis-robe and basically stand  against the wall while he took pics of me from every angle. He also measured my boobs and asked me to show him where the tumor was....UGH....  He even made me face the intern ugh.....oh hi. I'm jen and i'm naked....It is really embarassing when there are like 4 people in a small room all staring at you. And I already feel judged with my giant tramp stamp in the back LOL but whatever.  Then he made me kind of pull my pants down a little to take a pic of the buttock area and apparently I didn't do it low enough and he keep directing me...HAHAHA I know this is horrible to say but I felt like I was in a amateur porno  LOL .....He then left the room with his posse and Steph made me crack up by saying he was probably uploading the pics to facebook! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!


While he was gone, the nurse came in quickly to say it would be a few minutes because Dr. Lee liked to think for a moment and get his thoughts together on how he should approach my situation...so in the meantime, Steph made me grab the breast implants and pose with them:

Silicone on left, Saline on right :)

My Plan

When Dr. Lee came back we had a full discussion about all the different options for my surgery. I also noticed he liked patting me on the knee as well so now I know where Marie got it from. Like Dr. like nurse...HEHE....

It's a lot of info to type out but I will just tell you in general what it looks like for now. 

First of all, I am supposed to get surgery to get the tumor on my left side out first. Initially my surgeon told me this was the best plan to do one side, radiation and then wait 6 months to do the non-tumor side because it will give me time to think about what I want. HOWEVER, tissue expanders have to be put in for at least 6 months to basically stretch my body out to accept the implant/own body fat which is the part I didn't really understand.

How it works is like this: So when my surgery date is planned, the surgeon will  remove the tumor then Dr. Lee will put in the tissue expanders which are basically temporary implant(s) filled half way with saline and has a rubber port area. It will work exactly like my port. Every week I would have to go back to have more saline injected into the expander. OUCH. Now since my left side is the affected side, they recommend that I do not use a silicone or saline implant because radiation will basically shrink the size and fuck up the implant. My only choice is to really use fat from my own body.

Apparently I don't have enough fat in my stomach to make 2 breasts so my option is to have one breast from my stomach and one breast made from my buttock or back, or both from the back etc...but who doesn't want a tummy tuck? LOL  But with all these options there can be limited potential muscle movement for the rest of my life. It would mean I wouldn't have much strength if I worked out or had to lift something. he described how they basically redirect muscle tissues to support the new breasts- which was pretty fascinating and amazing.

If I wait and just do one side, I will have less of a recovery time but that would mean I wouldn't start on the right side til 6 months later. And I really don't want to do that so I am thinking I just want to do a double mastectomy right away to just get the healing time over with, have the tissue expanders put in immediately then in 6 months get reconstruction done on both all at once.  The 6 months is really only for my body to heal after 5 weeks of daily radiation. UGH. 

Now the right side of my breast, I can choose to use my own body fat or I can do a real implant on that side, he said it was really up to me but that If i do silicone it would have to be replaced in 10 years. He also said it had a chance of rupturing in my body and that they didn't know if there was any reaction if that happened....but if I did the saline, if it exploded it's just saline and my body would absorb it. UGH the thought of more saline in my body is already making me freaking GAG. 

He also told me about other means of surgery with CADAVERS sewn into me. Normally this would be like a wet dream for me since I love all that macabre forensics stuff but I think I will have a meltdown at some point and wouldn't be able to get over the fact that someone else is attached to me....ew.  Just take my fat please. Thanks!

The appt. ended with Dr. Lee just telling me to go home and think about everything since reconstruction is kind of the last step in the process...he even said the nipple is tattooed on. Ouch.

I know it all sounds complicated and it is and let me tell you I am really not happy about any of this but there is really nothing I can do.  The only thing that really made me lighten up is Dr. Lee trying to draw anatomically correct boobs and butts. HAHAHHA. I literally cracked up and Shanghai Sally just stared at me. 

Next week I have to go back to the hospital to get my Herceptin (the other crap I have to do for a year) then the next day I have to come back and talk to my surgeon and I will prob know my surgery date then. 

After the appt, me and Steph went to get burger and fries (wish I took a pic with her) then I saw Christina, went to Haymarket to get some yummy healthy fruits and veggies....I haven't been down there in YEARS and forgot how cheap everything is! Love it!... then we had a nice walk at the beach in Winthrop and had some yummy ice cream :) and some ummm...exercise LOL

Less ghetto then Revere but not as boring as Nahant

Totally going back for the turquoise "dino-bites" ice cream

 MFA girls keeping it real!!!!

UGH, Why is being a girl and having boobs so complicated? I'm going to have plenty of battle scars after all of this is done. 

Give me Strength to get through this next part. 

<3

Jen

P.S. Shoutout to my good friend Josh- who is moving away at the end of this month to VA then Philly for school. I'll miss your face <3 Thank you for all your support !

And thank YOU all for reading <3

LAST FREAKIN CHEMO!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone!

As usual I am behind on my posts...you have to pardon me I know I have plenty of time to write but I'm a type of person that has to be in the mood to write and lately I've been in a mood alright, but not to write! LOL

My first big announcement is that as of MAY 14th, 2012,
I AM OFFICIALLY FUCKING DONE WITH CHEMO TREATMENTS!!!! YAY!!!!!!!
Folks, I made it through 16 FUCKING ROUNDS of Chemo!!!! I don't even know where I got the energy or the strength to even withstand all of the bags of medication that has been pumped into my veins. I don't know whether to be disgusted, happy or pissed off but all in all the hardest part of all this crap is finally over. Of course, with great joy there is always greater disappointment....I know I posted on FB about this but I will recap. I thought that after the last round, I'd be free and clear and be able to take out this hideous freakin' port that is in my body...but NO, during CHEMO 11 when I had a different nurse, she made a comment that made me want to cry right then and there. While she was mentioning how great it was I was almost done with all the treatments, she whispered and kind of said under her breath very quickly "well, at least it will be easier to switch from every week to every 3 weeks"...I didn't know if I heard correctly or not but about 3 minutes later I interrupted her and said "I'm sorry WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" She mentioned because I was on Herceptin- (one of the meds I have to take with treatment......)


(*Herceptin is approved for the treatment of early-stage breast cancer that is Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2-positive (HER2+) and has spread into the lymph nodes, or is HER2+ and has not spread into the lymph nodes. If it has not spread into the lymph nodes, the cancer needs to be estrogen receptor/progesterone receptor (ER/PR)-negative or have one high risk feature.*)


 from (http://www.herceptin.com/breast/)

...that I would have to come back EVERY 3 FUCKING weeks to get the med injected into my port FOR A FUCKING YEAR. YES. YOU HEARD CORRECTLY....when the nurse saw by my reaction how upset I was, she kind of played it off and said quickly "well maybe your plan is different"...YEAH OK CAT is OUT of the GODDAMNED bag now. No turning back...UGH. Another thing to do, another set back. But it figures right? This year is full of shitty setbacks enough to make Susie Sunshine have a aneurysm. UGH....So that brings me to:

CHEMO 11:
The second to last chemo was all a blur but it meant a lot to me because two of my best friends came with me- Jen and Jeanine...Poor Jeanine has come to treatment like 4 times with me already (as you've seen in my past posts) but this was Jen's first time coming along. I felt really bad because that day was actually her birthday and we had plans to grab dinner afterwards but she asked me if she could come and she said she really wanted to. I didn't want her to spend 3 boring hours sitting around waiting for me but of course I love the company :) This time was special to me because I have known both Jeanine and Jen since the 7th grade and it gave me a rush of crazy memories we all had together- from all the different stupid dumb boys we all dated to our crazy outfits, the beepers, the teenage angst and drama, the covering up with phone calls to the parents, to back in the day when we used to go clubbing every weekend after a full day of work, get ready at one of our houses then take the train to meet Jen at work because she was the first to have a car and could cart our asses around ...HAHAH!  ahhh just fun teenage memories...it blows my mind sometimes how old we are now!!!! LOL...this year has not been a great one for all of us for various reasons, but to have such close bitches to me really tears me up sometimes...and even time and stupid cancer can't take away those moments.....so girls, thank you for being so supportive during all of this: <3

BDAY girl with her DOLLAH WEAVE

Here's to many decades of friendship :)

Pardon my forehead!- Day before Chemo 11!

Embarassing throwback pic courtesy of Daddy Yong...

during the infamous MFA days :)

Ahhhhh memories :) the root of all evil! I was pretty much asleep for most of Chemo 11...and I actually felt pretty shitty and nauseous afterwards...I just wanted to go home and crash  but I sucked it up and we took Jen out somewhere close to my apt to grab a bite to eat and have a giant delicious brownie sundae :) I must be really nauseous if homegirl can't finish her damn steak! LOL....if you all know me well, I can def. eat a lot! But I hope Jen had fun anyways! :)

CHEMO 12

AAHHHHHHHH FINALL!!!!!!!. This was the LAST FUCKING ONE. I didn't plan on having anyone going with me but my homegirl and longtime friend I met back in the day from YES, the MFA, the fabulous ms. Jeannette took a day off of WORK to just go with me!!! Do I have wonderful friends or what?!!!! Me and Jeannette always had to be separated at work and got in trouble by our boss all the time. I couldn't help it she is hilarious and always makes me ROLL whenever we hang out. Once we met, that was IT I knew we would be friends forever LOL!

SOOO...not only did I get the coolest blue flowers from her, she also brought MY LITTLE PONY coloring books and we each got our own crayons and she even brought tiara's she bought back in the day from the ever popular and famous tiara exhibit from the mfa!!!!!! (told you it follows me :)

Since this was my very last chemo, I wanted to wear something obnoxious and loud, so what better way then to rock some neon pink? Aren't these earrings FIERCE? I sure think so. 

Life would be truly boring without accessories 

Tiara's on!!! Party's about to start!

Chemo Couture line! WERK!

Ms. Chemo 2012- I'd like to thank cancer for making me KICK YOUR ASS!

AWESOME- is all I have to say.

The best I could do while drugged up.

Plus there were stars- it called my name!

My attempt at drawing one. Picasso would be proud.

I got a finger puppet show too!!! HAH

  my purtttyyy flowers for my last day!

As you can see I like to have a little humor in my life!! haha I'm pretty sure Nurse Paula thinks I have lost my damn mind!!!! I always had a rotating harem of friends that came with me every week and always fun activities to do LOL...Dr. Wulfe approved of my loud PINK tank and told me I was looking good so I felt good about that LOL...She also gave me an exam and told me that


THE TUMOR HAS SHRUNK significantly and that I responded well to treatment! so HOORAY!!! :) SHRINK A DINK BITCHES!

Thank You Jeannette for being awesome and such a wonderful friend and coming along to the last one!!! :)

After chemo, we met up with my family and had dinner. I was really out of it and I don't remember much of it. We went to a local buffet place and my mom and dad kept saying "are you ok?, you are like 3 plates of food, you are over eating!" HAHA Jen Yong is an over eater lol It was such a blur. I was still reeling in from the Benadryl and I was starving so I just ate everything in my path.....I also decided after dinner I had to have black eyelash glue at the moment and went to Sally's to get some...WTF? LOL

Jeannette then came over to check out my new place and to chill for a bit and a little while later Vicky came over....I felt horrible because I totally passed out on the couch when both of them were here I remember waking up and Jeannette had left already and Vicky was still there but then I fell back asleep, woke up again and then Vicky was gone! LOL ..but thanks Vicky for coming anyways :)

BUT on the postive side I had a good nights sleep for once. No insomnia...Sleepy Jen :)

So folks I am officially done with this part of my treatment....Tomorrow I have my plastic surgery appointment and then the following week I meet with my surgeon, so from there I am guessing I will have my surgery date!!!!!

Thank you all for sticking with me and following my blog and being supportive. I cannot thank everyone enough!!!!!! I am truly blessed to have so many people care about me. I would have never thought I would ever get such wonderful ongoing support and well wishes!

ALSO:  Special shout out to Professor Christine Foltz for knitting me this special cap from a special animal to help my bald head stay warm :)

<3 Ellie

More updates to follow soon :) Hope this wasn't too boring <3 I still am not feeling 100% but trying to get through it one day at a time...I've been really restless and somewhat in a depressed mood lately but trying to not think about things. Surgery is kind of freaking me out and I'm just so, SO freaking  tired of everything. But like all things in my life currently, "it is what it is" and only time, healing, extreme patience, understanding and lots of meds can change that! LOL. SIGH. Can this just be fucking over already?

XOXOXOX Jen

Pink Ladies+Plastics

Hola Everyone!


So I am still in a weird mood lately and I am definitely still trying to figure a lot of personal crap out, but that is just how life goes- always a series of ups and downs and stupid horrendous and almost laugh out loud timings- BUT whatever will be will be. And right now, I'm just going to make the best out of my crazy situation(s). I try to deal with stuff one thing at a time and not feel overwhelmed so hopefully things will be el terrifico in the end. As I always say (to myself but not necessarily believe all the time) things always happen and work itself out for a reason- whether good or bad or in between.


So let's not sweat this shit today! :)


Also, as a side note, Beyonce songs have been helping me a lot lately to back in the groove and be in a better mood so shout out to Beyonce for putting up some strong female empowerment songs and to get my ass shaking in the privacy of my apt.  
LOL. GET IT GURLLLL.


Anyhow, yesterday I had chemo 10 out of the final 12 and my lovely and fabulous
 ( +7 friggin' year Breast Cancer Survivor!!!)  friend Andrea came all the way down from NH to drive me and keep me company so that made me feel extra special! It makes me feel good when friends wanna come with me because then it becomes like a mini outing...lunch, chemo, then fun afterwards :) Andrea has been super helpful since the beginning of my Cancer -she is legit SO full of knowledge and just all around a great friend and supporter and I am thankful I can go to her and constantly pester her with a million questions without her getting pissed with me or annoyed LOL. Since she has been through all this shit, she knows what's up!!! PLUS she is also so positive and happy and always has a smile on her face that it's always pleasant to have her company! And it's contagious :) So thank you again Andrea for wanting to be there with me  and pushing me along in this chemo crap :)


Not ONLY did Andrea come to chemo with me, she brought along bright ass SUPER PINK wigs and boa's and we dressed up and looked absolutely ridiculous, but I loved every moment of it. :) Even my nurse Paula loved it and she tracked down my oncologist and made her come over to see the pink feathery spectacle! HAHA...Dr. Wulfe, who is usually pretty all business and super professional, cracked a smile and laughed with her intern!
Dr. Wulfe asked "what's the occasion?" I replied "just felt like it, why not?!" HAHA!


I know most of you have already seen some of these pics on FB, but I can't help it, here are a few to hopefully make you smile and let you see that I pretty much will do anything for a funny picture :)

Andrea rockin' my wig...isn't she fabulous?!!!!!!

First, Andrea rocks the pink wig!

My turn my turn!

This reminds me of "run, lola, run" LOLz or a Flapper on crack.

Me all hooked up to the iv's but still with a smile :)

pink rockstar survivors! <3

Andrea def impressed my Dr. and Nurse Paula with her positive vibes and awesome survivor advice :) Yay! But then again, I wasn't surprised that everyone loves her! <3

Chemo 10

Chemo was okay in general. I was a bit sleepy and my stomach was feeling a bit queasy but again, no throwing up which is good. Currently I just feel constantly bloated and the water weight is just NASTY. ugh. I actually have been eating really bad lately due to laziness and not really going to the market and buying real groceries, so I have been eating a lot of high calorie frozen stuff and a lot of carbs. BAD JEN BAD! My mom tells me to just stop it because when they do the reconstruction surgery they will need all my fat but right now I'm not feeling the pudgy lil tummy I've acquired. The saline this time was worse then before. Water and gum chewing was NOT helping, I felt a slight gag in my mouth when Paula injected it into me...ARGH. Never again do I ever want to look or see or taste saline in my mouth. Gross. BARF. GAG. SIGH.

I also posted that I was wigless for a little while yesterday. And I was. When Andrea pulled out the wig, I was slightly hesitant in even taking off my wig to put it on because my chemo chair was right in front of the nurses' station and the curtain was not all the way closed so people could look in. But the minute I did it and wore the wig, I felt pretty damn good. It was fun and the wig was short, comfy and felt good and I just let my guard down and didn't care anymore. After awhile, I just took off the pink wig and just let my head breathe and the curtain was pretty open at this time and people were walking by and quickly glanced, but

 I DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. (pardon my swearing) Now, if you know me well, I have been sooo super self conscious about showing my bald head or even posting a simple pic on FB because I feel so not myself at the moment and not 100% attractive, SO this was a big turning point for me and you know what? it was LIBERATING. I even got up to go to the bathroom down the hall and didn't care who saw me. I saw how strong Andrea was in posting a pic of herself when she was about the same place where I am right now and instead of hiding it she just embraced it, so although I'm not quite as bald as I used to be, it still felt good :) Plus, who cares, right? It's just hair. 

Here is what I look like now :)

And here's me a few days ago with my crazy earrings :)

Not too bad right? I might even embrace my short hair when Summer comes. But so far, I am accepting it better and already plotting what I will do to my hair when it is super long again :) pink streaks are a must of course! :) You can't take the city out of this city girl! :)

Anyhow, my brother Darren commented that this may be a sign of recovery- accepting yourself and just being yourself and and I think that it's pretty true. I can only really just be myself and learn more from all of this so thank you to everyone that has been so supportive. I have never felt so much love from soo many people at once! That feels more wonderful than any words of my gratitude can ever be expressed. TRUTH.

After chemo was over, Me and Andrea went to Berry Freeze in Brookline and got yummy froyo treats :)

I have every excuse to get that nasty saline taste out of my mouth!

MMMM mini gummy bears= BOMB

Andrea also took me to Trader Joe's so I can get a few groceries and be set for the week :) How considerate! She also bought me these beautiful gerber daisies there and gave me some other goodies she brought:

Super cute treats!

She told me that the Hello Kitty was from her mom and it was with her throughout the whole cancer process and she wanted me to have it so I always have a buddy :) I will take good care of her I promise! :)  It was a very uplifting and positive day! So thank you girl! <3

Surgery/Plastics

In other short updates, I posted on FB I was a bit upset because my damn surgery is going to take a bit longer than I had expected. After chemo, I will have a 2-3 week break- ( 2 more weeks THANK FRIGGIN' GOD) then I will have all the tumors removed first. Next I will have a tissue expander inserted then radiation for the grueling 5 days a week for 5 weeks straight- THEN they are going to get rid of my right breast and do reconstruction 6 MONTHS down the road. I was upset at first that I was physically going to look like a hot mess for a few months and be in some pain....but you know what? SCREW IT! It's 6 months that I will (hopefully) never have to deal with again, and the outcome will be some new fabulous boobs, so I will just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that this summer is going to be a bit of a downer.....but it's ok. And I'm OK. I just have to look at the positive things. OOOMMMMMMMM.

I also have my plastic surgeon consultation in June, so Dr. Lee can give Jen Yong some fabulous fake boobs LOL!!! Hopefully that will go well. Of course my Dr. is an ASIAN and a MALE so this will be slightly awkward. Even more awkward of my mom comes so if any friends want to volunteer to come, let me know! HAHA. 

The plus side is that I can probably still finagle a way to do the 3 day walk after all so at least is something I can look forward to.... +++++

Also, on that note because of all of your generous donations, I have raised $2645!!!!!!!!! The goal was only to get to $2300 so all of your support has been more than wonderful! 

SO THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!! :) You can still donate if you wish, but this is already more than I could ever ask for! Me and Vicky will prob try to have one more event and have some goodies to give away so look out for that!

Anyhow, so far this has been what's happenin' with miss yong. 

Hope that this was entertaining and brought some positivity and laughs. I am getting there, slowly but surely and much stronger everyday...

Mantra:

XOXOXO, much love,

 Jen