I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I seem to be having moments where you think back to choices you made or things you said or people you were with and it stirs up some deep shit inside of you that lingers like a dark hazy and incomparable smoke. You see the smoke eventually and visually disappear but the smell is always there- in some freakin' way shape or form. It gets under your nails and in your hair ( well I guess not in my case right now since I have none) but you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how much perfume or girly spray you try to use to mask that smell; or even how much time has past. The memory and the fixture is there. And will always be there no matter how much you want to fight it. <BIG SIGH> I don't know when life got so complicated but I loathe it.
And just because I love Amy Winehouse and she can pretty much sum up any human emotion- this song seemed appropriate:
Like Smoke w/ Nas
oh and this one because it's my favorite version:
Sometimes I wish I could take back things and just start all over again but obviously that is not an option- BUT sometimes I wished it was that easy. I almost wished magic really wasn't just an illusion because then my brother would really be a kickass sorcerer and could just make all this crap disappear for real. POOF! All my troubles would just be over and life would just be fun and easy all over again, like when I was 6. No cares, no drama, no stupid cancer, no messes, no feelings hurt, no regrets, no second guessing, and most importantly, no pain ever. Maybe in David Copperfield's world that exists, but sadly not in mine.
I'm just so tired of feeling like I am just kinda there, you know what I mean? Kinda like you see it and you like it and you think about it and it's a cool and awesome shiny toy but you don't really want to commit and buy it because you have to justify why you want it.
YES, I just compared myself to a toy :-/....GODDAMN IT. Decisions and waiting suck.
UGH I don't know what my problem is lately.
I feel like I have so much to offer and I'd like to think that I am a nice and considerate person in general but I don't know if that is really an advantage or disadvantage for me...well currently I think everything is a mess of bad timing and shit that just keeps happening so I don't even know how to answer my own damn question! I loathe expectation and anticipation sometimes. Quite frankly it's a blank and a fill in the blank.
You are all probably reading this and thinking to yourself "what the hell are you talking about?" I am just going through some bullshit in my heart and in my head. I know this blog is meant for me to just be upfront and honest and it's focused on the Cancer aspect but you know a girl has other issues in life as well...and sometimes I just can't get into all of it here but in general I currently feel like shit about a lot of things. Can it be changed? Only time will tell.
DUN DUN DUN.
I'm also feeling just disgusted because I have big ol' Chemo 8 tomorrow. I didn't have it on my usual Mondays (today) because I guess it was considered a holiday because of the Marathon and all that stuff- which is fine but it also pisses me off because I could have just gotten it over with today, but instead they scheduled it for later on today and my mother is coming for the first time in months (chemo is always scheduled when she has to work and she's on vacay this week).... It will be nice to go with my mom since I've kinda alienated myself and refrained from having my parents go to chemo with me except for a few times in the beginning. It frankly stresses me out - my mom over worries and my dad will go if I ask him to, but I always feel bad they are just sitting there for long periods of time and so I always make them just leave and come back and get me. I know I'm weird. And a bit abnormal, but I've always been a psycho separatist with certain things and just really particular about dealing with things on my own terms. I know my parents mean well but sometimes I just want to be left alone...I am not looking forward to it, in fact I hate it so I know I will be in a foul mood when I have to go since I have other things on my mind.
I do have at least one good thing to write about- I posted about this on my FB page already but I have been really humbled and amazed with all my friends that randomly decided to donate to my walk- most of these friends have been my high school friends I haven't seen since literally graduation and prom of 2002. YES I am THAT OLD and it has been THAT long. I was really feeling down the other day and I came home and saw that 5 separate people donated and got me to the point where all I needed was $5 to make my $2300 goal. I was so floored by this I posted a little thank you and within the day I got donations from additional 5-6 people out of the woodwork and now have exceeded the goal. I am now at $2610! Thank you guys so so so much. When you donate, and I log onto my page, I can read all the messages you guys sent and it has really touched me and made me feel so wonderful. Some of you have family members that were affected by cancer and others just wrote to tell me how much they think my blog is wonderful and I got FB messages and talked to a lot of people that I used to hang out with in the old BLS (I went to Boston Latin School if you were wondering) halls and learned about what they were up to and a lot of people are going through tough times with personal things as well, so thank you for sharing and thank you for showing me you care. If it weren't for any of my friends I wouldn't be the person I am now, and I wouldn't be able to go through this without any of your support, so please please please know I will do everything in my power to do this walk to make all of you proud. <3
Also, in other wonderful news I got invited to Allie and Dave's wedding and it was this past Sat. I just wanted to say thanks to Allie because we have a lot of mutual friends and we don't know each other very well, but she extended an invitation to me so that I could have some fun and enjoy a fun night out- thank you so much for letting me be a part of your day, it was a beautiful ceremony and reception (loved the whole blue-turquoise theme of course!) And it was wonderful to see two people so in love <3
In closing of this entry, here are a few pics from the wedding....and I got to do what I love to do best: play dress up for the day!
the lovely bride
the adorable couple <3
me and Jen: we Boston girls can clean up nice sometimes
cutie patootie Andrea
my classy lil outfit: Hey gurrlll heyyyyy!
more pics (if you haven't seen) are on my FB of course....(http://www.facebook.com/mizzpip) or search me under firstname.lastname@example.org for those who wandered and actually read this and want to add me ...
So here is a glimpse of my personal life....aside from all the cancer shit, I'm just a regular girl who still likes to get all dolled up once and awhile and go out and have some fun to get away and not think about things.
It was a fun time with a bunch of people I haven't seen in forever so it was a nice little escape. It's always fun to go to weddings when your friends take up 2 whole tables :)
Anyhow, this post is already super long so if you made it this far then you have my love, affection, admiration and respect. I should try to pretend to sleep for a few hours even though I am completely stressed out and have a lot on my mind. Crying is not allowed! SIGH.
I'm sorry this post has been a bit of a downer...I just have a lot on my mind and its beginning to weigh down on me a lot. It's really not easy dealing with a lot of things these past few months so bear with me if you can. I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes between the chemo, not having a job, my body changing, being sick all the time and personal relationship issues, it is hard to keep smiling through shit.
I might wear my hot pink lipstick to chemo later. Maybe I'll rock a dress too. Why not? It's the little things in life....
Wish me luck