Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Insomnia//memory foam/wedding

So it's Monday night or should I say Tuesday morning- it's 4:17 am and I can't sleep. I'm restless and been thinking about things/life/people/random crap a lot lately. Normally I would be knocked out and in bed by now but for the past month and a half I just haven't been able to sleep at ALL. I don't know if I'm just anxious or just pissed off or my depression is setting in again but I've been feeling extra sad and melancholy lately. I am just trying to figure things out in my life and just been in a weird emotional place with things. 

I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I seem to be having moments where you think back to choices you made or things you said or people you were with and it stirs up some deep shit inside of you that lingers like a dark hazy and incomparable smoke. You see the smoke eventually and visually disappear but the smell is always there- in some freakin' way shape or form. It gets under your nails and in your hair ( well I guess not in my case right now since I have none) but you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how much perfume or girly spray you try to use to mask that smell; or even how much time has past. The memory and the fixture is there. And will always be there no matter how much you want to fight it. <BIG SIGH> I don't know when life got so complicated but I loathe it.

And just because I love Amy Winehouse and she can pretty much sum up any human emotion- this song seemed appropriate:

Like Smoke w/ Nas

oh and this one because it's my favorite version:
Tears Dry

Sometimes I wish I could take back things and just start all over again but obviously that is not an option- BUT sometimes I wished it was that easy. I almost wished magic really wasn't just an illusion because then my brother would really be a kickass sorcerer and could just make all this crap disappear for real. POOF! All my troubles would just be over and life would just be fun and easy all over again, like when I was 6. No cares, no drama, no stupid cancer, no messes, no feelings hurt, no regrets, no second guessing, and most importantly, no pain ever. Maybe in David Copperfield's world that exists, but sadly not in mine. 

I'm just so tired of feeling like I am just kinda there, you know what I mean? Kinda like you see it and you like it and you think about it and it's a cool and awesome shiny toy but you don't really want to commit and buy it because you have to justify why you want it. 
YES, I just compared myself to a toy :-/....GODDAMN IT. Decisions and waiting suck.

UGH I don't know what my problem is lately.

I feel like I have so much to offer and I'd like to think that I am a nice and considerate person in general but I don't know if that is really an advantage or disadvantage for me...well currently I think everything is a mess of bad timing and shit that just keeps happening so I don't even know how to answer my own damn question! I loathe expectation and anticipation sometimes. Quite frankly it's a blank and a fill in the blank.

You are all probably reading this and thinking to yourself "what the hell are you talking about?" I am just going through some bullshit in my heart and in my head.  I know this blog is meant for me to just be upfront and honest and it's focused on the Cancer aspect but you know a girl has other issues in life as well...and sometimes I just can't get into all of it here but in general I currently feel like shit about a lot of things. Can it be changed? Only time will tell. 

I'm also feeling just disgusted because I have big ol' Chemo 8 tomorrow. I didn't have it on my usual Mondays (today) because I guess it was considered a holiday because of the Marathon and all that stuff- which is fine but it also pisses me off because I could have just gotten it over with today, but instead they scheduled it for later on today and my mother is coming for the first time in months (chemo is always scheduled when she has to work and she's on vacay this week).... It will be nice to go with my mom since I've kinda alienated myself and refrained from having my parents go to chemo with me except for a few times in the beginning. It frankly stresses me out - my mom over worries and my dad will go if I ask him to, but I always feel bad they are just sitting there for long periods of time and so I always make them just leave and come back and get me. I know I'm weird. And a bit abnormal, but I've always been a psycho separatist with certain things and just really particular about dealing with things on my own terms. I know my parents mean well but sometimes I just want to be left alone...I am not looking forward to it, in fact I hate it so I know I will be in a foul mood when I have to go since I have other things on my mind. 

I do have at least one good thing to write about-  I posted about this on my FB page already but I have been really humbled and amazed with all my friends that randomly decided to donate to my walk- most of these friends have been my high school friends I haven't seen since literally graduation and prom of 2002. YES I am THAT OLD and it has been THAT long. I was really feeling down the other day and I came home and saw that 5 separate people donated and got me to the point where all I needed was $5 to make my $2300 goal. I was so floored by this I posted a little thank you and within the day I got donations from additional 5-6 people out of the woodwork and now have exceeded the goal. I am now at $2610! Thank you guys so so so much. When you donate, and I log onto my page, I can read all the messages you guys sent and it has really touched me and made me feel so wonderful. Some of you have family members that were affected by cancer and others just wrote to tell me how much they think my blog is wonderful and I got FB messages and talked to a lot of people that I used to hang out with in the old BLS (I went to Boston Latin School if you were wondering) halls and learned about what they were up to and a lot of people are going through tough times with personal things as well, so thank you for sharing and thank you for showing me you care. If it weren't for any of my friends I wouldn't be the person I am now, and I wouldn't be able to go through this without any of your support, so please please please know I will do everything in my power to do this walk to make all of you proud. <3

Also, in other wonderful news I got invited to Allie and Dave's wedding and it was this past Sat. I just wanted to say thanks to Allie because we have a lot of mutual friends and we don't know each other very well, but she extended an invitation to me so that I could have some fun and enjoy a fun night out- thank you so much for letting me be a part of your day, it was a beautiful ceremony and reception (loved the whole blue-turquoise theme of course!) And it was wonderful to see two people so in love <3

In closing of this entry, here are a few pics from the wedding....and I got to do what I love to do best: play dress up for the day!

the lovely bride

the adorable couple <3

me and Jen: we Boston girls can clean up nice sometimes


cutie patootie Andrea






the boys!



my classy lil outfit: Hey gurrlll heyyyyy!

more pics (if you haven't seen) are on my FB of course....(http://www.facebook.com/mizzpip) or search me under mizzpip@gmail.com for those who wandered and actually read this and want to add me ...

So here is a glimpse of my personal life....aside from all the cancer shit, I'm just a regular girl who still likes to get all dolled up once and awhile and go out and have some fun to get away and not think about things. 

It was a fun time with a bunch of people I haven't seen in forever so it was a nice little escape. It's always fun to go to weddings when your friends take up 2 whole tables :) 

Anyhow, this post is already super long so if you made it this far then you have my love, affection, admiration and respect. I should try to pretend to sleep for a few hours even though I am completely stressed out and have a lot on my mind. Crying is not allowed! SIGH.

I'm sorry this post has been a bit of a downer...I just have a lot on my mind and its beginning to weigh down on me a lot. It's really not easy dealing with a lot of things these past few months so bear with me if you can. I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes between the chemo, not having a job, my body changing, being sick all the time and personal relationship issues, it is hard to keep smiling through shit. 

I might wear my hot pink lipstick to chemo later. Maybe I'll rock a dress too. Why not? It's the little things in life....

<3 xoxooxx
Wish me luck

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I already hate Radiation.

Well, I know I am quite bad at keeping this updated regularly and one would think I would have a freaking book out by now since I have been unemployed since the beginning of November, but NOPE...the truth is not much has gone on that has been too exciting to report...Well, OK I lied, there were SOME interesting things that went on in the past couple of weeks but mostly I have just been trying to just maintain my sanity and not get depressed about all this crap. I have my good days where I can deal with everything and sorta just pretend it's not there but then I have my days where I can't get out of bed til mid afternoon and feel unproductive. 

To bring everyone up to date, I just got done with Week 7 (out of my final 12) of lovely chemo... The last time I posted I was on Week 3....Jeanine has been coming with me for the past 3 weeks and it has been really nice of her to come all the way into Boston to pick me up. We usually grab lunch and she sits there for the whole 3 hrs  (what a trooper!) and we just make each other laugh much to the disdained stares of the other patients and nurses...oh well, you gotta have fun sometimes, else you will lose my mind. 

During Week 5 we decided to get some UNO cards and they were the elegant and incomparable "Spring Edition" and I must say we got pretty competitive....

Riveting, I know.

While we were at target I was totally tempted to get dreamy edward cullen but I refrained.

 Eventually the UNO competition got SO hot and heated that Jeanine took it upon herself to make a trophy for Week 6 and she won the title and beat me mercilessly:

winnah winnah chicken dinnah!

sexy close-up of the trophy

We then moved on to more mature games like hangman LOL. Yes, I know we are eternally 9 years old, but I'm OK with it.. HHAHAHA

the lovely chemo area...that week (5 or 6) I think I was the last one left. 

Chemo 7 was meh. Had some company, ate some subway and my own room again but sleep through most of it. And felt like crap after. Now you are up to date LOL.

I must say that chemo is literally KILLING me because it is SO time consuming. They took out that nasty steroid so my weight has kind of stabilized which is good but I still get a bit nauseous afterwards - it usually doesn't last for long but it sorta feels like when you ate something bad and it just sits in your stomach. This week I slathered a bunch of numbing lotion on my port so I didn't have to feel the pinch of the needle. Every week I would either forget to put it on, put it on too early or too late or not enough and it wasn't effective, but this week  FOR ONCE I got it right and when she poked that gross forboding needle into my chest, I didn't feel anything- just pure numbness which pretty much sums up this whole experience.

I also had my first radiation consultation which made me have less to look forward to.  I don't even know where to start- Don't get me wrong- the radiologist was very nice and personable but I really did not want to be there. I was already a few minutes late and I think even if I was getting married, was up for a raise, or won the lottery, I would STILL stop at Dunkin's because nothing comes between Jen and her iced teas LOL....Sadly I'm totally serious. I just can't live it- plus there was one en route to the radiology dept so I had to stop and get a hot green tea this time. ( no iced at the kiosk I checked!)  
Of course my morning was already off to a bad start but at this moment I thought I had forgot my wallet at my apt. so now I had zero money, credit cards you name it. When I went down to the basement for the appt. I could tell the receptionist didn't really want to be there. Long story short, I was freaking out about not having money on me to pay for the parking, The receptionist was a bitch and there was mis-communication between her and the parking attendants- they refused to give me just a pass for the hour I was there and instead said they could bill me for the stupid $10 it cost to park there. Of course I randomly found my license and checkbook which I never ever carry anywhere and had to pay for the parking via check much to the annoyance of the long line behind me! UGH REALLY? I'm literally at this hospital EVERY week and I always have to pay for parking anyways and it's like they couldn't even give a cancerous girl a break? 


AND WHY IS IT THAT ONLY BITCHY people work in the medical field that have no human compassion? Would it kill you to put a smile on your face and actually act like you are interested with interacting with people- esp those in my situation???! UGH.

Anyhow back to the radiation- sorry I know I digress a lot and go off in drunken rants but I really felt like I seriously was going to cry that day. Sometimes I just have those moments where I am completely overwhelmed and little things turn into ticking time bombs and go off internally... then it becomes external and I literally blow up at everything around me... Even though I have an army of family and friends  that care about me, I always just feel alone with my thoughts. It's hard to explain to people not going through any of this but I just feel like my whole life is constantly on hold because I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. Like I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I feel, and I sureAS HELL don't like all the goddamned changes I'm going through. Nothing ever feels settled and it's hard to be happy and put on a smile most of the time..but I try. 

Okay sorry again, so radiation: The DR. told me that most likely about 2 weeks after radiation ends they will start scheduling the first part of my surgery- depending on what surgery I choose of course I will have to consult with a plastic surgeon for the reconstructive portion. They will have to remove the tumor/cancer cells first and then insert something in my skin that will protect me a little from the radiation. 

The next part of what the DR said almost floored me. I have to go to radiation 5 FREAKING DAYS A WEEK FOR 5 WEEKS STRAIGHT. SAY WHAT?! I can't even commit to one week of boot camp, nor 1 hour of working out a day again, or 45 minutes to do LAUNDRY never mind drive to the hospital EVERY FREAKING DAY just to stay for an hour.  I was basically fighting back the tears in my eyes because I just want all of this to be over and now it's even taking MORE time, and it's going to basically take my whole summer to deal with this. This also means the walk I want to do is up in the air because the recovery time to do the mastectomy will obviously be longer. And they want to take my fat from some part of my body to reconstruct my boobs so no doubt I will be in some pain. UGH...It just annoyed me because ONCE again this goddamned cancer is taking over my life. 

I mean on one hand it's like I'm going to be getting free lipo/tummy tuck and most importantly perky new boobs but on the other hand I am just SO tired of all the appointments and consultations and crap that I am just so over it. It seems like the finish line is further away and it quite honestly just makes me feel like a big fat cup of BLAH. 

But a couple of week ago, I did attend a really cool Asian Breast Cancer Project Event (http://www.facebook.com/AsianBreastCancerProject?ref=ts)
 which was really great but I am going to devote a whole post to it later  because this entry is already to its capacity....and I really want to give shoutouts to all the amazing people I met and do a proper post because it deserves one :)

Also last week Vicky did a nice bowling event at Lucky Strike to raise some money for our walk. A lot of people came, so it was nice to see so many people be so supportive and have some fun.

SO far she's raised over $700+ with the new donations and I have about $1765 which is really really awesome! So thank you to everyone that has donated and have been so generous!

If you are still interested in donating please do! Every little bit helps :) I know everyone is sick of seeing my FB blasts on this but it is really the one thing I am looking forward to at least trying to accomplish and it's nice to have a short term goal I can actually push towards!

Vicky's Page: the3day.org/goto/vicky

In somewhat fun news I got two more new wigs. I can't say I'm in love with them since I originally placed the order about a month ago, the 2 original wigs I wanted were out of stock so after trying to substitute them like 4 times each, I had to just pick ones I wasn't familiar with....I posted this on FB before but it's very curly :)

pinup girl? :)

Anyhow, I hope Radiation isn't going to give me a meltdown. This tuesday will be Week 8 of the chemo so I am slowly getting there at a snail's pace.

And they better give me a freaking parking pass of some sort else they will have to deal with Jen gettin' wiggy with it! :)

Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to read all my crazy rants, I have the most amazing friends and support system!

<3 til next time
xoxox Jen