After months and months of bitching and moaning and praying and wondering and wishing- I FINALLY got my reconstruction surgery done on Thursday July 31 st, 2014!!!!!
And I have to say for what it is, I am far more emotional and more in pain then all the other surgeries combined !!!! Seriously. The amount of moodiness and crankiness and general "why am I forced to go through this shit " has dawned on me in more than one occasion this week.
But anyhow, I thought since now I have all the down time I had no reason to not update the blog more consistently and tell you all about my journey.
I'm going to probably break it up in several posts because I am extremely uncomfortable sitting in any position for more then 10 minutes so bear with me!!!!
The week prior leading up to the surgery I was all on pins and needles. I had an infection in my body and had to take some antibiotics and I was working a lot that week so I was just exhausted, moody, tired and wanted everything to be over with. I then forgot about my zolodex shot ( every 3 month shot) and the nurse said I had to def do it before surgery so I had to go deal with that too.
I had a nice lil dinner the night before surgery with some of my friends which was nice and calming and my surgery was scheduled for 7:30 am the next morning- so the plan was for Dax to drive me to the hospital by 6am and my mom was going to meet us there in the lobby and both were going to see me off before I headed into the the double d's- I mean doors, of happiness...
I had to do all the pre-screening stuff, fill out the paperwork, sign this, sign that, all the while my mom and Dax had to take turns to come up to see me ( what a pain) at some point they couldn't find Dax , my mom was running around everywhere stressed and I literally almost had a panic attack because they were ready to push me into the OR, but like every soap opera and up until the last possible minute, all was fixed and I got to see him before I was whisked away. I don't know what made me so weird and emotionally at that moment but it was like a "in a case I die" moment and I wanted to go out right LOL..morbid I know.
Last selfie before the big moment!
The minute I woke up I wanted to literally die. Also I felt weird because I was pretty sure when Dr. Lee was marking up my body to be dissected with his 3 interns, I had underwear on, but when I woke up, it clearly wasn't there and my johnny didn't really cover my back area and it was SO uncomfortable. And the PAIN. I can't even describe any words in the English language that properly describes the sharp, pulling, achy pain that ran through every particle in my body. I said to myself in that moment- that's it, I surrender, I cannot take any more- because I have gotten to that place mentally where I am just DONE with all of it.
I had a male nurse who made it more awkward as he tried to feed me ice chips and I got paranoid that he somehow looked up my johnny LOL - isn't it disgusting what you think of in dire moments? But I literally was the LAST PATIENT in the recovery room. My surgery started at 7:30 AM and I didn't get to my room upstairs until 8pm. Longest hours of my damn life.
My parents and brother eventually came to see me around 9pm and thank god my mom brought me a nice shawl to cover my drains and Dax came by and was really sweet and brought me some coconut water , unsweetened ice tea and gummy worms "so I can stay hydrated".....
OH the FUCKING PAIN.. They gave me the pain button like all the other times to push - which is pretty much "Dilaudid"- which is an anti nausea medication WHICH ONLY MAKES ME MORE NAUSEATED AND DIZZY so I would refuse to push the button - and in between the vital sign checks every 2 hours, the painful Hepburn shots in the middle of the night and the ivy and antibiotic drip- I was in the most uncomfortable pain in my life. On top of that, my room had ZERO AC and you know me and my hot flashes - the nurse actually had to prop up a fan by my bed which was super loud so I could get some air circulation. I nearly had a heart attack when one of the nurses turned it off to take my vitals. THAT SHIT WAS NOT HAPPENING.
That first night was absolute torture. not only did I feel gross for not having any underwear in bed but I literally had to pee on the dot every hour and they had to detach my IV since I was still hooked up so I swear that this one nurse wanted to kill me . It was SOOO hardd to try to get your balance and to pull yourself up without snagging on the lines and ivs and drains. Totally stressful
I asked my nurse if there was a bathroom closer to the hallway since I felt bad clanking my iv pole to get into the tighter bathroom on my roommates side, but she abruptly told me I had to use the one in my room. Later I found out there was a mansion sized one across the hall from the kitchen and for the rest of the time I was there I just used that one . WTF? I just was so pissed that they didn't give me the side of the room where I obviously could be closer to the bathroom since I had unbearable pain and could not walk and my roommate was not attached to an IV at all. Weird.
Also, i was so thankful at that moment I had like 3 sprays with me from Vickie's Secret and a bunch of all my cut out tanks from Pac sun that made freshening up a lot lot better. Praise JESUS. (insert praying hands emoji)
The bed - I just could not get comfortable because not only are both my boob areas sliced off but I have 2 drains and a scar across the muscle in my back making an awkward angle I was in extreme pain. I could not reach the bed buttons on either side and I felt like ripping all my damn drains out. This went on for the rest of the night....Back and forth , and also I was getting whiplash because some nurses drained my drains for me, while the others insisted I go through a boot camp training with them, after I've been through like 4 surgeries with them. I am practically the drain master at this point LOL.
Interns visited and I had one female Asian one who actually was really great and kind. She was gentle and came in with 2 other males to check on me and when she checked my dressing, she was like "OH NO we have to change this so you're not drenched in nasty blood"- so all 3 of them slowly pulled and tugged all the tape off of me , caught all the blood and redressed me .....I dubbed them the "dressing masters". And I actually was not annoyed with them )( except for the first night) because they were not as pushy as the ones I've encountered before and they actually told me it was up to me and my pain threshold of when I thought it was appropriate to go home! That made me feel good and not rushed to get out.
The second day at the hospital I was surprised that I was actually growing stronger. Steph came early in the morning and was being super positive and gently tried to get me to go to the Solarium and to walk around a little bit and sit up in the chair. That felt pretty good to get outside my room since I was so couped up.
Also since there was a tube in my mouth during surgery, it essentially created this phantom felm/phlem I kept having in the back of my throat and it was literally the most annoying feeling ever because I felt like I was choking. I tried hot drinks cold drink, broths, solid food, coconut water, iced tea, I am only NOW feeling better in that department now.
Throughout the next two days I had some more awesome visitors... Pasco came by , Jen O'Neill of course, Vicky, my parents, Steph and Dax again, and Emily! So thank you for those that trekked out to see me and brought me all these wonderful treats :) And also thanks to Josh, Rita, Rupert and Lady Zoey who sent me a really beautiful fruit basket yesterday all the way from VA!
By the 3rd day, I was strong enough to shuffle around the hallways myself and although I was still dizzy and sore, I felt more like myself and so on 7/3 they released me which was nice. I am pretty bandaged up and tightly wrapped in this weird contraption:
Yesterday I took a short video of how limited my mobility is just so you have an idea of what I have to deal with on a daily basis:
I find it ironic I am wearing the same tank top from my FIRST surgery-
all things come to a full circle :)
Being back home again is comforting but it's still very hard to maneuver around. I can't sleep in my bed because it's way to low to get in and out of and my couch slouches back to much so I've had to kind of sleep upright in my Lazy- boy chair - although I was not a fan of the chair when I got it, I'm so thankful I have it now because a recliner is the only way I could get comfy. I hate red in all forms LOL.
Can't freakin' move!!!!
Thanks for all the continuing support from everyone- from the texts, the posts, the phone calls, the messages and everything in between. For once in my life the other day I started bawling a little because for a split second I felt bad I was putting other people through this pain and I just felt very disfigured, frustrated, unpretty and aggravated.
I know I am so lucky to be alive and have these people who still care about my little journey. I will not let this part of the journey get me down but sometimes a girl can only take so much! I'm only human.
Thanks to all my friends - especially to all my close friends that always have my back and in the Yong inner circle for years, and also my mom, dad, Darren and Dax for helping to take care of me and deal with my constant mood swings! My poor mom running all around and waiting hours on end, my dad being at her beck and call and Darren seeing evil Jen. And poor Dax with meal preparations LOL. I have been absolutely miserable this week and I fully admit it. HAHA.
To all of my other friends from past and current jobs,and all the friends in between- thanks for genuinely taking the time to see how I was doing and showing some concern - it really makes a difference in recovering when people value you and your time regardless of circumstances. To those who didn't bother to say anything- well, you have absolutely zero idea of what I've gone though in the past 3 years- from losing a full time job, to dealing with numerous treatment, surgeries, working part time to stay afloat and to rebuild my life that I was pretty comfortable with up until that november of 2011. I truly believe in karma and what you put out in the universe ....it all reflects to how you are as a person and I know who my true friends are ...and honestly I don't have time for negativity- I put out how I want to be treated to others and maintain a respect for anyone that has to go through difficult situations in life. But thank you to those who showed concern and actually messaged me :) I couldn not have healed and moved on and pushed on without all the encouragement, the love, and the positive vibes!
On a side note, Roxy seems to know I'm in pain and she has been super gentle and sweet with me. She came by the couch where I was sitting the other day and ever so gently she reached out her paw to me and gave me that look like she understood. It was totally weird but I know she was trying to comfort me :)
On Friday 8/8 I see Dr. Lee in the morning to at least remove one of these freaking drains ( prob the one under my arm which hurts the most!!!
I loathe these with my whole being!!!
So hopefully some of the bandages will come out as well!!!! I don't think I put down the official medical terms of my procedure but it was "Left Latissimus flap with silicone implant placement and right removal of tissue expander with placement of implant" which basically equates to- it hurts like fucking hell.
At least I get to enjoy the last weeks of summer with bigger boobs. I can't ask for a better gift.