(thanks Ken for fixing it!) and I had an URGE to just write today- and instead of talking about chemo, dr. appts and medications, I wanted to talk about something super personal:
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my hair. I know you are all sick of me bitching about it and I know it will grow back (it better freakin' grow back or I will have a panic attack)
BUT much like good, old skool 80's rap albums- it has been in heavy rotation on my mind.
It's just that:
I MISS MY FUCKING HAIR.
THERE I'VE SAID IT.
my natural hair, last summer.....
I miss being able to just throw it up with a clip and not worrying if the sides of my fake wig are showing...I miss being able to dye my hair darker if I felt like it, I miss having colored extensions...I miss the wind blowing in my hair and me not having to worry if my hair will blow away or if it will come off when I take my hat off. I miss being able to wear cute bows and headbands and sunglasses without it getting tangled. I miss the simple joys of having a haircut and a trim. I miss when I used to work out and if I was sweaty I could just tie my hair up and cool down...now I have to take it off due to the UNBEARABLE hot flashes. I miss the weight of my hair. I miss being able to wash my hair and shampoo it with all the fancy girly smelling shampoos I've bought over the years. I miss the sound of a hairdryer. I miss being able to flat iron or curl my hair. I miss the leave in conditioners. And not to be creepy, but I also miss the smell of my hair.
I envy other girls who have their natural hair while I have little stubs barely growing at the moment.
This picture is from the last time I visited NY and the last time I had extensions because the next day when I came back to Boston, I got the phone call that I had breast cancer.
a mess, but still was my own
I don't think people understand how much of a bitch wearing a wig is. Sure, it's fun to change up your look and to try new things I otherwise would have never tried, but it's different wearing one with your real hair tucked in as opposed to having to wear one to cover your bald head....it's hot and uncomfortable throughout the day and it gets heavy. You also can't wash it like normal hair- since most of the time wigs are synthetic you have to use a special shampoo and wash it in a bowl or basin...which can be kinda creepy - you are hunched over the tub dipping and dunking the hair up and down and then you have to hang it to dry..there have been MANY a time when I've left my wigs around the apt and then I scare myself because they are creepy by themselves LOL....
Most of you are used to seeing me look like this lately:
my long dark black hair...
my more natural looking wig from dana-farber...
my crazy blonde one I never wear...
or my original very first wig from Lisa <3
I know you are sick of seeing all crazy pictures I take all the time of myself but these are all my little mirages to kinda hide from the truth a few hours a day. Everyone needs an escape from the truth sometimes and the wigs for me have given me a little bit of confidence back. I'm still a little girl at heart playing dress up with all my makeup and jewelry and that's just part of who I am and what I do. AND NO FUCKING CANCER WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. EVER.
But because I have been so vocal about my own condition and have received so much wonderful feedback and awesomeness from everyone, I am willing to put aside my own insecurities and bullshit and show you how I look without any of my wigs. I'm sorry I know I still have makeup on, but I didn't want to look like a COMPLETE mess so let me have my turquoise eyeliner :)
Here I am, basic and just ME.
I hope I haven't scared anyone....LOL. I was told I have a good shaped head so at least that is a plus LOL.
Anyhow, there you have it...I'm expecting Kojak jokes :)
The important thing is: to always be yourself and to have fun and humor when you are going through some trifling bullshit. It's what gets me through the day. And to surround yourself with people that genuinely care about your well being. ( all my wonderful friends and family that have been very patient with me....That's all that matters. OH and good food too :) and unsweetened iced teas :)
Again, thank you for Vogue Wigs for helping me get through all of this with some fun and some humor...http://www.voguewigs.com/ They really are a great company and have helped many women...
And again, if this post of my bald head motivated you to donate to the Breast Cancer walk I am doing in July:please click :) http://www.the3day.org/goto/jenyong
Do I feel a breeze in here? HAHAHH :)
Again, thanks for all the support! <3