Friday, February 3, 2012

No Man's Land

I know I have been super behind in all my posts but I have been in a sort of whirlwind carefree denial about things lately. I seem to be stuck on random memories. My mind keeps wandering back to over this past summer before all of this shit happened. When I had ALL my hair that I constantly complained about and kept blowing in my face- rewind to where I lounged on the rooftop of my apt, basking in the haze of the hot, humid city sun- hearing the train and kids yelling and sipping unlimited iced teas, laughing over stupid shit with Vicky and not really worrying much about what was going to happen the next day or the day after that. I worked out every day and I felt my body get stronger and I was following a regiment and was proud of it.  I was finally happy with where I was going - body wise and it was a lot of work but it was worth it. 


Now a days, the air is colder and I'm wrapped up in like 10 layers of hoodies and my new found obsession with hats and I can feel my body just kinda getting a little bit weaker and it depresses me a little. I haven't really worked out actively for about 2 months now- I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still active and eat healthy and take little walks when I can etc, but I def. feel a shift in my body- Kinda like its saying: "UUUHHH what are you doing to me now? I hate you, stop torturing me!!" I just haven't been motivated to physically do it. And I don't even know why. Everyone tells me to "take it easy" and you don't need to worry so much about it, but to me i obsess about it because it's something I can easily control. Weight wise I am still the same which perplexes me. I have counted a handful of times where people- who I haven't really seen in awhile and don't know about the cancer, take one look at me and say "wow, you lost a lot of weight" some ways its satisfying that someone notices but at the same time it's like well, fucked up because I have the fucking cancer!!!!! I almost want to scream "It's because my appetite is all fucked up and my stomach is constantly in pain and it's hard for me to enjoy a lot of good food anymore- so I eat less".  i don't know. I know I am being completely ridiculous but I am neurotic so this is the shit that goes on in my head. Weight is all irrelevant I know since it comes with the territory but I'm really not in the mood to gain any weight since I worked my ass to get it off.  And I can't buy anymore new jeans since I am unemployed LOL.

I don't want to bore everyone with all the details of the last 2 chemo sessions but CHEMO III was okay. Not much more I can say about it.  I was still a bit nauseous before/after and my new nurse Paula was pretty great and paced me with all the meds so when I got home the last time, I pretty much took zofran/ativan morning noon and night to not deal with the nausea and just ate what I wanted. I def felt like I overate at times but like my mother says "at least you have your appetite." So I kinda just went with the flow and enjoyed what I could eat.

CHEMO IV which I just had this past Monday was a really tough one for me. Tough in the fact that it was my last chemo session for this horrible nauseating cycle. This does not mean I'm off the hook just yet folks- it just means the worst part of the chemo is over. i dreaded this day for weeks and weeks. In fact the week before, I had my little bday outing because my Dr gave me an extra week to re-coop from the last chemo and it was the one week in this whole ordeal when I felt myself again. i felt normal and I wasn't sick for once. I didn't have to take any pills and I ran my normal errands like I always did.  I was giggly and happy and excited to go out for once because I haven't gone out with my friends to a club in weeks....I was excited to get all dolled up and just do something fun and not think about all this shit over and over again. I felt whole again during that week- almost felt like all of this was just a blur and it was just a really bad horrible dream. Of course when I put on my strapless dress on and got ready alone upstairs in my apt, I saw in the mirror that my port was sticking out on my chest a little, and I could see my scar from the surgery and my wig was a little crooked, and I still hated wearing pantyhose- BUT it was okay... I was going to be normal and have fun that night. GODDAMN IT!

*As a side note- a lot of my old high school friends came out and a few people I didn't even expect to come out actually came out and hung out and I wanted to say thank u to everyone that did- it was def a fun night and it touched me that so many of you came out to represent- even in the cold and snow :) only after a lil fb evite...I'm still sorry the venue wasn't the greatest and the DJ sucked but I was still glad I saw all of you :)

Anyhow, AGAIN I digress....this last chemo I was jumpy and just eager for it to be over. My mind was really not in the greatest place. I'm actually moving next month to another apt and I'm actually pretty sad about it...I love the roof and my room and the sunlight and all the fun memories I had in the past year at this place (and of course living with my friends Vicky and Emily) and I was dealing with finding other people to live there and thinking about packing all my shit up and surrendering my lil haven just gives me anxiety. My dad was with me for most of the morning but of course right before the chemo starts, he always takes off a little early....this is not because he wants to or he is being un-supportive or any of that shit- because my dad has been pretty great and sensitive with this bullshit. He gets me all the junk food I want and cooks me little gourmet steaks at like 10pm and buys me random stuffed animals because he thinks I am eternally 10 in his eyes....LOL... I think it's just hard for him to watch them pump all these chemicals into his little girl so he keeps himself occupied by going shopping then coming back to pick me up LOL.  I know it's hard for him and he tries to tell me things like "hey, you actually don't look bad bald" and gives me that cheer up kiddo nudge :)

I don't know. This time around I was just mentally not there and on top of that my stomach was in knots and is actually STILL hurting me now and it's Friday night. They actually ran out of chairs so I got a bed this time but it was not re-assuring since it gave me flashbacks of last month when I was in the hospital for a week: Sitting there alone, I almost broke into tears for no reason. I just looked around and there were so many other people there- both young and old and it made me choke up that we all had to go thru this fucked up journey and somehow try to remain positive through it. My nurse Paula kinda saw that I was a lil upset so she kept reassuring me and said "you will never have to deal with this cycle again- so congrats!!" ....I still felt like shit though and super emotional.  The next day -I dragged myself out of bed- (groggy, nauseous, depressed and all)  to get my final neulasta shot with Paula. 
 It was over in less than a minute along with a swig of dissolvable zofran in my mouth. Back to bed I went. 

what a sterile view :)
Thanks Steph for my light reading :)

not feeling so hot

Also, the mere thought of the word "chemo" makes me want to physically throw up all week.        (And thank god I still haven't on that note) I can't even look at red drinks or HI-C or fruit punch or anything that makes me remotely think of the medication because it literally turns my stomach.  I also have eaten less this week because of this word association I am playing in my mind.  I know it's just all in my head and I should be happy that this cycle is over but I'm really not. I just feel doom and dread and the next cycle is really going to KILL me if not send me over the edge. My DR. has informed me that I will have to do the next cycle of chemo 12 times. Once a week.  ONCE a FREAKIN WEEK for 12 FUCKING TIMES.  AND I have to speak to a surgeon, get a new MRI and an echo-cardiogram in the next week. Needless to say I am a walking bag of nerves and a wreck. But I am trying to just stay focused and be positive and not freak out. Maybe it's time for another pretty dress to  buy to distract me. At least I won that $100 gift card from so I can at least entertain you all with new videos/pictures and ridiculous posts :)


ALSO in case you missed my crazy post on FB as a thank u for all the support/bday wishes:

NEXT BLOG: SUSAN KOMEN 3 DAY WALK and how you can help me!

Thank you for reading, caring and bitching along with me <3

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