I really want to do more blogs but sometimes I just feel so unmotivated I can't even bring myself to get my thoughts together to write down how I feel. But I am going to try to catch up and rectify that so I can be a little more consistent. I know it probably doesn't matter to anyone else but me really- on how often I post but I want to remember certain moments and certain feelings I have with going through all of this shit, so it's important to me to put it into some form of expression.
Moving on, this entry is all about my boob fillage lately. You will hear all about it in my new video but recapping it quickly- ever since I had surgery I've had my fake saline boob filled with more saline for about 4 times now- each about 2 weeks apart.
If you don't understand what I'm referring to, I basically have a tissue expander placed under my skin on the left side of my boob where I had surgery:
This is basically what it looks like- hot, right?
The little grey area acts like the cushion "port" area where Dr. Lee injects the saline with the big ass needles you have seen me post. But before you cringe, don't worry, it really isn't that bad and actually doesn't hurt when I get the injections. The area was so numb the first 2 times I had it done I really didn't feel anything. If you are wondering how this is placed in my body, it looks a little something like this:
The only difference is that my saline is injected on top of my breast, like above where the nipple would be instead of on the side like the picture depicts. I am usually in and out within half an hr. The nurse I have is really nice. One day when I went in she had henna all over her hands and for some reason that was strangely calming for me. Dr. Lee is always gentle but always firm and directly to the point. He still always gives me a pat and a wink which is also strangely soothing to me. I mentioned a few entries back that initially I felt really awkward disrobing and just being generally naked all the time in front of him since I really have never had a male doctor all my life, but I quickly got over it... he is a great doctor and super professional so I have broke down that awkward barrier!
Most times I look like this during the whole process:
Peek a boo I hate you ugly hospital gown!
The port on my chest hurt more than these suckers!
Also, I just noticed the random flashlight...WTH?
If you are confused about why I have the tissue expanders placed in my body and for what purpose it serves- it's all because I have radiation coming up in the next week. The tissue expander acts as a mechanism to stretch and expand my skin so that when I have the real implant placed in - whether it be saline, silicone or my own fat it will fit correctly in the space and also, since the area being radiated is very close to my general heart area, the expander basically pushes my skin away from my chest to kind of protect my heart. Ingenious, no? I didn't really understand that little part since they don't have to put expanders on my right side (since I will be getting rid of that side as well) but now it's definitely a lot more clear on the process of what I have to do.
Also, because of radiation, Dr. Lee has to stop doing anymore fills until I am done with all of the radiation. It also shrinks the saline inside so more than likely I will have to wait about 6 months for my body to heal before I proceed with any more fills ( to the size I want) and then I will resume with reconstructing my left breast along with having a mastectomy on my right side and reconstruction on the right side right away. More scars... yay. That was my sarcastic voice...
Currently my boobs are lopsided and they are starting to piss me off:
Left side says hello!
I had about a 6-7 week break after surgery where I let my body heal until it was ready to be poked and prodded on again. And now on Monday radiation will start. The video kind of briefly talks about the mapping I had this past week to plan for the upcoming treatment but I am going to save the radiation for its own post since it's the next big step in all this bullshit. I basically just went to a consultation where they got me naked, made me raise my arms, awkwardly stuck tape and electric stuff all over me, had a device to help me breathe away from my heart, went into a weird half tunnel thing and then got 5 mini pin point tattoos all with a male technician who was easy on the eyes staring at me and trying to make me feel comfortable, and a female nurse who wanted to know my life story and and with me trying to adjust my weave and not move, and not have my ass slide off of the thing they made me lay down on. UMMM. Yeah. No biggie. "YOLO" I guess. (ugh, sorry I hate that expression too, I just got all fired up!)
But again as always, I digress. I really just wanted to give an update on really just my boobs and what I have been doing for the past few weeks.
So without further ranting, here is my new VLOG for this week- this time I set the camera on my kitchen table and just used the lights in my living room. Hope it looks a little more steady and you can understand me. I tend to rattle things off in my head since I don't like to be staged and I only had to film this twice so big step in improvement.
I still have to get the timing down since I can never tell when it's about to stop filming so I'm sorry it gets cut off...I made part 2 for your viewing pleasure!
Part II: Donations and Bald Jen
Sorry this is sort of blurry- my camera was running out of battery- THANK GOD I got it all in!
If you are interested in donating to Christina's Dana Farber Half Marathon, please check out her video and her page....her goal is $500! (http://www.indiegogo.com/Christinas-cure)
If you are interested in donating to Jen's Be Bold, Be Bald page, please check out her page...her goal is $2500 (https://www.beboldbebald.org/profile/247)
It doesn't matter how much you can donate- I am sure both would be more than appreciative for any amount but please know both of these gals (amongst all my other lovely friends) have been super wonderful and supportive during this shit storm of a ride ( and have dealt with my crazy mood swings so I would really appreciate if you helped them out and show your love for them! Thank You so much ladies! <3
OH: And if you love my E.T. shirt, go to target! :)
In other news...
I am starting to get very drained and kind of passive about my recovery. It's not even that I'm not trying to be purposely negative or that I don't care about it but I am in cancer overload and I'm just so tired and over everything . I'm also starting to kind of physically feel like shit again. I've just been eating really bad foods and not caring and snacking on bad crap. This is compounded with stressing out about finding a job and then my complicated every day life where I just kinda feel like I am just not feeling excited or happy or overjoyed at anything. I've just been really passive and just trying to get through the days. Sorry if I sound like a downer but like I said I'm like a freakin' roller coaster of emotions. I have my good days and I have my I-hate-the-world-days but I think I'm entitled to just be whatever sometimes.
The worst thing is feeling lonely in your thoughts.
Anyhow it's 6 am now I should really try to get some sleep...I will update about radiation as soon as it starts...
Thank you all for coming along for this daunting and sometimes depressing journey with me <3
Red hair, don't care :)
Oh- and I will have a full video log about my experiences at the 3 -DAY WALK SOON!