Insomnia//memory foam/wedding

So it's Monday night or should I say Tuesday morning- it's 4:17 am and I can't sleep. I'm restless and been thinking about things/life/people/random crap a lot lately. Normally I would be knocked out and in bed by now but for the past month and a half I just haven't been able to sleep at ALL. I don't know if I'm just anxious or just pissed off or my depression is setting in again but I've been feeling extra sad and melancholy lately. I am just trying to figure things out in my life and just been in a weird emotional place with things. 


I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I seem to be having moments where you think back to choices you made or things you said or people you were with and it stirs up some deep shit inside of you that lingers like a dark hazy and incomparable smoke. You see the smoke eventually and visually disappear but the smell is always there- in some freakin' way shape or form. It gets under your nails and in your hair ( well I guess not in my case right now since I have none) but you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how much perfume or girly spray you try to use to mask that smell; or even how much time has past. The memory and the fixture is there. And will always be there no matter how much you want to fight it. <BIG SIGH> I don't know when life got so complicated but I loathe it.


And just because I love Amy Winehouse and she can pretty much sum up any human emotion- this song seemed appropriate:

Like Smoke w/ Nas


oh and this one because it's my favorite version:
Tears Dry


Sometimes I wish I could take back things and just start all over again but obviously that is not an option- BUT sometimes I wished it was that easy. I almost wished magic really wasn't just an illusion because then my brother would really be a kickass sorcerer and could just make all this crap disappear for real. POOF! All my troubles would just be over and life would just be fun and easy all over again, like when I was 6. No cares, no drama, no stupid cancer, no messes, no feelings hurt, no regrets, no second guessing, and most importantly, no pain ever. Maybe in David Copperfield's world that exists, but sadly not in mine. 


I'm just so tired of feeling like I am just kinda there, you know what I mean? Kinda like you see it and you like it and you think about it and it's a cool and awesome shiny toy but you don't really want to commit and buy it because you have to justify why you want it. 
YES, I just compared myself to a toy :-/....GODDAMN IT. Decisions and waiting suck.


UGH I don't know what my problem is lately.


I feel like I have so much to offer and I'd like to think that I am a nice and considerate person in general but I don't know if that is really an advantage or disadvantage for me...well currently I think everything is a mess of bad timing and shit that just keeps happening so I don't even know how to answer my own damn question! I loathe expectation and anticipation sometimes. Quite frankly it's a blank and a fill in the blank.


You are all probably reading this and thinking to yourself "what the hell are you talking about?" I am just going through some bullshit in my heart and in my head.  I know this blog is meant for me to just be upfront and honest and it's focused on the Cancer aspect but you know a girl has other issues in life as well...and sometimes I just can't get into all of it here but in general I currently feel like shit about a lot of things. Can it be changed? Only time will tell. 
DUN DUN DUN.


I'm also feeling just disgusted because I have big ol' Chemo 8 tomorrow. I didn't have it on my usual Mondays (today) because I guess it was considered a holiday because of the Marathon and all that stuff- which is fine but it also pisses me off because I could have just gotten it over with today, but instead they scheduled it for later on today and my mother is coming for the first time in months (chemo is always scheduled when she has to work and she's on vacay this week).... It will be nice to go with my mom since I've kinda alienated myself and refrained from having my parents go to chemo with me except for a few times in the beginning. It frankly stresses me out - my mom over worries and my dad will go if I ask him to, but I always feel bad they are just sitting there for long periods of time and so I always make them just leave and come back and get me. I know I'm weird. And a bit abnormal, but I've always been a psycho separatist with certain things and just really particular about dealing with things on my own terms. I know my parents mean well but sometimes I just want to be left alone...I am not looking forward to it, in fact I hate it so I know I will be in a foul mood when I have to go since I have other things on my mind. 


I do have at least one good thing to write about-  I posted about this on my FB page already but I have been really humbled and amazed with all my friends that randomly decided to donate to my walk- most of these friends have been my high school friends I haven't seen since literally graduation and prom of 2002. YES I am THAT OLD and it has been THAT long. I was really feeling down the other day and I came home and saw that 5 separate people donated and got me to the point where all I needed was $5 to make my $2300 goal. I was so floored by this I posted a little thank you and within the day I got donations from additional 5-6 people out of the woodwork and now have exceeded the goal. I am now at $2610! Thank you guys so so so much. When you donate, and I log onto my page, I can read all the messages you guys sent and it has really touched me and made me feel so wonderful. Some of you have family members that were affected by cancer and others just wrote to tell me how much they think my blog is wonderful and I got FB messages and talked to a lot of people that I used to hang out with in the old BLS (I went to Boston Latin School if you were wondering) halls and learned about what they were up to and a lot of people are going through tough times with personal things as well, so thank you for sharing and thank you for showing me you care. If it weren't for any of my friends I wouldn't be the person I am now, and I wouldn't be able to go through this without any of your support, so please please please know I will do everything in my power to do this walk to make all of you proud. <3


Also, in other wonderful news I got invited to Allie and Dave's wedding and it was this past Sat. I just wanted to say thanks to Allie because we have a lot of mutual friends and we don't know each other very well, but she extended an invitation to me so that I could have some fun and enjoy a fun night out- thank you so much for letting me be a part of your day, it was a beautiful ceremony and reception (loved the whole blue-turquoise theme of course!) And it was wonderful to see two people so in love <3


In closing of this entry, here are a few pics from the wedding....and I got to do what I love to do best: play dress up for the day!

the lovely bride

the adorable couple <3

me and Jen: we Boston girls can clean up nice sometimes

Emily+Jay

cutie patootie Andrea

Emily+Raye

Photobooth!

Jules!

Brenda!

Jenna!

the boys!

Raye!

Jen!

my classy lil outfit: Hey gurrlll heyyyyy!

more pics (if you haven't seen) are on my FB of course....(http://www.facebook.com/mizzpip) or search me under mizzpip@gmail.com for those who wandered and actually read this and want to add me ...

So here is a glimpse of my personal life....aside from all the cancer shit, I'm just a regular girl who still likes to get all dolled up once and awhile and go out and have some fun to get away and not think about things. 

It was a fun time with a bunch of people I haven't seen in forever so it was a nice little escape. It's always fun to go to weddings when your friends take up 2 whole tables :) 

Anyhow, this post is already super long so if you made it this far then you have my love, affection, admiration and respect. I should try to pretend to sleep for a few hours even though I am completely stressed out and have a lot on my mind. Crying is not allowed! SIGH.

I'm sorry this post has been a bit of a downer...I just have a lot on my mind and its beginning to weigh down on me a lot. It's really not easy dealing with a lot of things these past few months so bear with me if you can. I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes between the chemo, not having a job, my body changing, being sick all the time and personal relationship issues, it is hard to keep smiling through shit. 

HMMMM....

I might wear my hot pink lipstick to chemo later. Maybe I'll rock a dress too. Why not? It's the little things in life....

<3 xoxooxx

Wish me luck

-Jen

I already hate Radiation.

Well, I know I am quite bad at keeping this updated regularly and one would think I would have a freaking book out by now since I have been unemployed since the beginning of November, but NOPE...the truth is not much has gone on that has been too exciting to report...Well, OK I lied, there were SOME interesting things that went on in the past couple of weeks but mostly I have just been trying to just maintain my sanity and not get depressed about all this crap. I have my good days where I can deal with everything and sorta just pretend it's not there but then I have my days where I can't get out of bed til mid afternoon and feel unproductive. 


To bring everyone up to date, I just got done with Week 7 (out of my final 12) of lovely chemo... The last time I posted I was on Week 3....Jeanine has been coming with me for the past 3 weeks and it has been really nice of her to come all the way into Boston to pick me up. We usually grab lunch and she sits there for the whole 3 hrs  (what a trooper!) and we just make each other laugh much to the disdained stares of the other patients and nurses...oh well, you gotta have fun sometimes, else you will lose my mind. 


During Week 5 we decided to get some UNO cards and they were the elegant and incomparable "Spring Edition" and I must say we got pretty competitive....

Riveting, I know.

SIDE NOTE: 

While we were at target I was totally tempted to get dreamy edward cullen but I refrained.

JUST SAYIN'

 Eventually the UNO competition got SO hot and heated that Jeanine took it upon herself to make a trophy for Week 6 and she won the title and beat me mercilessly:

winnah winnah chicken dinnah!

sexy close-up of the trophy

We then moved on to more mature games like hangman LOL. Yes, I know we are eternally 9 years old, but I'm OK with it.. HHAHAHA

the lovely chemo area...that week (5 or 6) I think I was the last one left. 

Chemo 7 was meh. Had some company, ate some subway and my own room again but sleep through most of it. And felt like crap after. Now you are up to date LOL.

I must say that chemo is literally KILLING me because it is SO time consuming. They took out that nasty steroid so my weight has kind of stabilized which is good but I still get a bit nauseous afterwards - it usually doesn't last for long but it sorta feels like when you ate something bad and it just sits in your stomach. This week I slathered a bunch of numbing lotion on my port so I didn't have to feel the pinch of the needle. Every week I would either forget to put it on, put it on too early or too late or not enough and it wasn't effective, but this week  FOR ONCE I got it right and when she poked that gross forboding needle into my chest, I didn't feel anything- just pure numbness which pretty much sums up this whole experience.

I also had my first radiation consultation which made me have less to look forward to.  I don't even know where to start- Don't get me wrong- the radiologist was very nice and personable but I really did not want to be there. I was already a few minutes late and I think even if I was getting married, was up for a raise, or won the lottery, I would STILL stop at Dunkin's because nothing comes between Jen and her iced teas LOL....Sadly I'm totally serious. I just can't live it- plus there was one en route to the radiology dept so I had to stop and get a hot green tea this time. ( no iced at the kiosk I checked!)  

Of course my morning was already off to a bad start but at this moment I thought I had forgot my wallet at my apt. so now I had zero money, credit cards you name it. When I went down to the basement for the appt. I could tell the receptionist didn't really want to be there. Long story short, I was freaking out about not having money on me to pay for the parking, The receptionist was a bitch and there was mis-communication between her and the parking attendants- they refused to give me just a pass for the hour I was there and instead said they could bill me for the stupid $10 it cost to park there. Of course I randomly found my license and checkbook which I never ever carry anywhere and had to pay for the parking via check much to the annoyance of the long line behind me! UGH REALLY? I'm literally at this hospital EVERY week and I always have to pay for parking anyways and it's like they couldn't even give a cancerous girl a break? 

ON TOP OF THAT MY WALLET WAS IN THE CAR THE WHOLE FREAKIN' TIME. YEP. I aM AN IDIOT.

AND WHY IS IT THAT ONLY BITCHY people work in the medical field that have no human compassion? Would it kill you to put a smile on your face and actually act like you are interested with interacting with people- esp those in my situation???! UGH.

Anyhow back to the radiation- sorry I know I digress a lot and go off in drunken rants but I really felt like I seriously was going to cry that day. Sometimes I just have those moments where I am completely overwhelmed and little things turn into ticking time bombs and go off internally... then it becomes external and I literally blow up at everything around me... Even though I have an army of family and friends  that care about me, I always just feel alone with my thoughts. It's hard to explain to people not going through any of this but I just feel like my whole life is constantly on hold because I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. Like I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I feel, and I sureAS HELL don't like all the goddamned changes I'm going through. Nothing ever feels settled and it's hard to be happy and put on a smile most of the time..but I try. 

Okay sorry again, so radiation: The DR. told me that most likely about 2 weeks after radiation ends they will start scheduling the first part of my surgery- depending on what surgery I choose of course I will have to consult with a plastic surgeon for the reconstructive portion. They will have to remove the tumor/cancer cells first and then insert something in my skin that will protect me a little from the radiation. 

The next part of what the DR said almost floored me. I have to go to radiation 5 FREAKING DAYS A WEEK FOR 5 WEEKS STRAIGHT. SAY WHAT?! I can't even commit to one week of boot camp, nor 1 hour of working out a day again, or 45 minutes to do LAUNDRY never mind drive to the hospital EVERY FREAKING DAY just to stay for an hour.  I was basically fighting back the tears in my eyes because I just want all of this to be over and now it's even taking MORE time, and it's going to basically take my whole summer to deal with this. This also means the walk I want to do is up in the air because the recovery time to do the mastectomy will obviously be longer. And they want to take my fat from some part of my body to reconstruct my boobs so no doubt I will be in some pain. UGH...It just annoyed me because ONCE again this goddamned cancer is taking over my life. 

I mean on one hand it's like I'm going to be getting free lipo/tummy tuck and most importantly perky new boobs but on the other hand I am just SO tired of all the appointments and consultations and crap that I am just so over it. It seems like the finish line is further away and it quite honestly just makes me feel like a big fat cup of BLAH. 

But a couple of week ago, I did attend a really cool Asian Breast Cancer Project Event (http://www.facebook.com/AsianBreastCancerProject?ref=ts)

 which was really great but I am going to devote a whole post to it later  because this entry is already to its capacity....and I really want to give shoutouts to all the amazing people I met and do a proper post because it deserves one :)

Also last week Vicky did a nice bowling event at Lucky Strike to raise some money for our walk. A lot of people came, so it was nice to see so many people be so supportive and have some fun.

SO far she's raised over $700+ with the new donations and I have about $1765 which is really really awesome! So thank you to everyone that has donated and have been so generous!

If you are still interested in donating please do! Every little bit helps :) I know everyone is sick of seeing my FB blasts on this but it is really the one thing I am looking forward to at least trying to accomplish and it's nice to have a short term goal I can actually push towards!

My Page: the3day.org/goto/jenyong

Vicky's Page: the3day.org/goto/vicky

In somewhat fun news I got two more new wigs. I can't say I'm in love with them since I originally placed the order about a month ago, the 2 original wigs I wanted were out of stock so after trying to substitute them like 4 times each, I had to just pick ones I wasn't familiar with....I posted this on FB before but it's very curly :)

pinup girl? :)

Anyhow, I hope Radiation isn't going to give me a meltdown. This tuesday will be Week 8 of the chemo so I am slowly getting there at a snail's pace.

And they better give me a freaking parking pass of some sort else they will have to deal with Jen gettin' wiggy with it! :)

Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to read all my crazy rants, I have the most amazing friends and support system!

<3 til next time

xoxox Jen

Bad Genes/Jen

SO..so far I have done 3 of the new chemo treatments out of 12. Tomorrow will be number 4. SIGH. Although lately these rounds have been less nauseous and more controllable, I have been less controllable with my emotions.

I used to be on anti-depressants- well I shouldn't say used to be, I still am, but after I found out about the cancer, I kind of just stopped taking my meds. And I can def. feel my anger resurfacing again.I know that is prob bad, but with all the new meds I had to take, I just kind of put it on the back burner. I have been flipping out at everyone but no one seems to understand how mentally draining all of this is. Things that aren't as important to a normal person is like 5,000 more heightened TO ME because I can't enjoy life the way I want to right now and I feel like I really shouldn't have to ask or explain myself to anyone because this is the shit I have to deal with -( constantly mentally alone)- so any little thing you or anyone can say to me I'm going to internalize it and flip out- esp if I feel like it's insulting or belittling in any way... Now THAT BEING SAID
 if you already know that about me and I'm a bit sensitive- isn't it easier to say something to someone in a less insulting way then SAYING IT THE ONE *&^%$# WAY THAT UPSETS THEM OR PISSES THEM OFF?

10,00000000 ways to express yourself and you have to be rude?SERIOUSLY? I really don't get it. I really don't. 

UGH. *&^%$#%&*())*^%$#$@!$^&*

anyhow I am just so disgusted and annoyed and just over things lately. I got in fights with my mom, my brother...hardly my dad because he stays away from me in my moods ( and for some reason he just understands how I am and doesn't get angry), and OTHER people "close" to me as well.

I just can't deal with negativity right now. And I'm just drained and tired from all of it. If you want to be there then act like it and don't be rude to me. Plain and simple. JUST BE THERE AND BE SUPPORTIVE.

Anyhow, sorry for the rant.  I hate this new chemo. Up until the first round, everything was ok, but now my menstrual cycle all of a sudden stopped and I'm even bitchier than before. I constantly feel bloated and gross and OH the new meds have steroids in them so it makes me gain weight. Last week they weighed me and I was so upset I gained 5 lbs in about 2.5 weeks that I started working out again and brought a brand new scale to track my progress. I think I lost 2 of the lbs I gained but I've been eating so bad this week that I don't even think working out 3 days in a row at 2:30 am helped.  I know most people will tell me I'm being dumb with the weight stuff because I am going through CANCER and that is the least of my worries and that I always get that I "look" thin to some people...but I don't ever feel it and it just sucks that I worked so hard 4 months ago to feel good about myself and now I just feel blah and not put together. It was the one thing I could control and now that is like going out the door too.. >_<

AND IT'S a BIG DEAL TO ME because it's MY body and I know when I feel shitty. So leave me alone!

My hair is growing back slowly but It's obviously never going to be 100%. again and every time I go pee - I know this sounds gross, but it's like I can smell the chemo meds.... it's just nasty. UGH. I mean at least it's not red now like before but it makes me feel BLAH. Also, I have the pleasure of getting the menopausal side effects so I constantly have hot flashes. Like EVERY second. Before wearing the wig was somewhat bearable but now I am literally in pools of sweat because my body temperature is back and forth. The nurse gave me a script to control it but I dont really want to add another med to my body. I keep turning the heat on and off in my apt and it's driving me nuts because I don't have windows... just 2 sliding doors in both my living room and bedroom and I'm anal about leaving them open when I'm home alone. Well, I'm always alone, but that is besides the point. 

Sigh. at least for chemo 3, my good friend Jeanine kept me company. Most of you probably don't know Jeanine but she is one of my closest friends from high school, and both her and my other friend Jen (also known as O'neill )  have always been there for me for tough shit through the years so it was nice of her to offer to come drive me to chemo and keep me company for over 3+ hrs. First off she brought me all sorts of treats- from gummy bears to elvis notebooks and games for chemo...and I also got this lil fellow:

He peeps when you pick him up :)

She also bought me a mickey mouse fishing game which we played all of 10 minutes before we got annoyed and gave up HAHAHAH, much to the delight of Paula my nurse who thought we were 10.

here fishy fishy :)

She also brought a spongebob keychain we made and it was quite complicated with all the stickers, foam shapes and strings we had to cut!

SKILLZ!

Chemo is really depressing and long so it was nice to have company for the whole thing. Vicky has come before and brought me lunch and goodies but this was a nice lil  sometimes treat for me. I always feel its draining/pushy to ask someone to come with me to this because it takes a lot of time and patience and it's not fun to sit in a room full of sick people.

jeanine being super patient lol

This time I did get a private room and bed so I got to lie down a little bit...

anchors aweigh boys! :)

Sorry I'm looking like a mess in that last photo. Anyhow, this time they gave me the benadryl in pill form so THANK GOD I didn't get sick and nauseous. I did get sleepy and euphoric. The smell of the saline still makes me gag tho. UGH. During the whole time I had to keep going to the bathroom to pee and I had to unplug myself and drag the machine with me so that was fun. Bladder control is a skill I must tell you!

Prior to chemo I saw my oncologist- Dr. Wulfe, and my nurse practioner Laura. Laura told me the typical weight gain was about 10+ lbs on this chemo and I was like "great" she told me it seemed like I was doing fine with the meds, and that they only really gave the steroids to avoid interactions between the meds so for that day she cut the steroids in half and tomorrow when I go they will cut it out period. Let's hope I don't get sick. Dr. Wulfe says the tumor looks much better and she told me to start thinking about surgery and that they might use my body fat from other parts of my body and that OH she got my genetics test. I have been waiting to hear results from this since my blood sample was sent in like 3 weeks ago but the geneticist hadn't called me back yet...

SO...

apparently I have a "deleterious" BRCA2 gene - which basically means I am at super high risk for the cancer to return in about 5 years. And I also have a risk of ovarian cancer as well later on in my life. 

GREAT. FML. Somehow I knew that was coming. So now I feel like I am never going to get rid of this crap in my body no matter how many chemo treatments and surgeries I have. I will never feel like it's completely gone because it's essentially been passed to me from my dad's side of the family. 

So folks, this means jen yong will probably have to do the bilateral mastectomy this spring/summer. UGH. I'm going to do a separate post later this week about all of the genetics part since I had a separate appt. addressing it I know this is already long and it's a lot to read for right now, but so far this is what is going to happen. This means I'm going to prob be undergoing a very long surgery and recovery time. So goodbye to summer :(

I mean I'm not nervous about it now but I know when it comes time and I have to look at my body AFTER the surgery I'm going to totally be freaked out. But what can I do? This is what is in my cards and what I am dealt with. I don't want to just do a lumpectomy ( just getting rid of the cancerous breast) because if this returns- whats the point? I just don't want to EVER deal with chemo again in my life. So if I'm young now and my body can obviously handle all this crap- I mind as well go for the gold now! ....SIGH. 

This also might screw up the time line of the walk I'm doing but I knew this might be a problem so if I can't do it all I will at least try to do some of it for all of you that has donated to me! But it also depresses me because I really was looking forward to doing it 100%. I even started buying pink/black workout walking gear :-/

I don't know when all of it will be getting better. I'm just sick of everything at the moment. And support is what I really need. 

thanks Jeanine for coming!

I am just trying to juggle everything. Ugh. My apt is still a mess and I have like lost all steam finishing it up....I've been moody and upset with people and I just feel alone and restless.

AND I"M STILL COUCH LESS GODDAMN IT.

Hopefully April will be a little bit better. :( BIG GIANT TRIPLE SIGH.

Hair today Gone Tomorrow!!!!

SO I am completely procrastinating since the movers are coming tomorrow and I have a few more things to pack, but whatever, I just got my laptop back after 2 days of not having it
(thanks Ken for fixing it!) and I had an URGE to just write today- and instead of talking about chemo,  dr. appts and medications, I wanted to talk about something super personal:


Lately I have been thinking a lot about my hair. I know you are all sick of me bitching about it and I know it will grow back (it better freakin' grow back or I will have a panic attack) 
BUT much like good, old skool  80's rap albums- it has been in heavy rotation on my mind.
 It's just that:


I MISS MY FUCKING HAIR. 
THERE I'VE SAID IT.

my natural hair, last summer.....

I miss being able to just throw it up with a clip and not worrying if the sides of my fake wig are showing...I miss being able to dye my hair darker if I felt like it, I miss having colored extensions...I miss the wind blowing in my hair and me not having to worry if my hair will blow away or if it will come off when I take my hat off. I miss being able to wear cute bows and headbands and sunglasses without it getting tangled. I miss the simple joys of having a haircut and a trim. I miss when I used to work out and if I was sweaty I could just tie my hair up and cool down...now I have to take it off due to the UNBEARABLE hot flashes. I miss the weight of my hair. I miss being able to wash my hair and shampoo it with all the fancy girly smelling shampoos I've bought over the years. I miss the sound of a hairdryer. I miss being able to flat iron or curl my hair. I miss the leave in conditioners. And not to be creepy, but I also miss the smell of my hair. 


I envy other girls who have their natural hair while I have little stubs barely growing at the moment. 


This picture is from the last time I visited NY and the last time I had extensions because the next day when I came back to Boston, I got the phone call that I had breast cancer.

a mess, but still was my own

I don't think people understand how much of a bitch wearing a wig is. Sure, it's fun to change up your look and to try new things I otherwise would have never tried, but it's different wearing one with your real hair tucked in as opposed to having to wear one to cover your bald head....it's hot and uncomfortable throughout the day and it gets heavy.  You also can't wash it like normal hair- since most of the time wigs are synthetic you have to use a special shampoo and wash it in a bowl or basin...which can be kinda creepy - you are hunched over the tub dipping and dunking the hair up and down and then you have to hang it to dry..there have been MANY a time when I've left my wigs around the apt and then I scare myself because they are creepy by themselves LOL....

Most of you are used to seeing me look like this lately:

my long dark black hair...

my more natural looking wig from dana-farber...

my crazy blonde one I never wear...

or my original very first wig from Lisa <3

I know you are sick of seeing all crazy pictures I take all the time of myself but these are all my little mirages to kinda hide from the truth a few hours a day. Everyone needs an escape from the truth sometimes and the wigs for me have given me a little bit of confidence back. I'm still a little girl at heart playing dress up with all my makeup and jewelry and that's just part of who I am and what I do. AND NO FUCKING CANCER WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. EVER.

But because I have been so vocal about my own condition and have received so much wonderful feedback and awesomeness from everyone, I am willing to put aside my own insecurities and bullshit and show you how I look without any of my wigs. I'm sorry I know I still have makeup on, but I didn't want to look like a COMPLETE mess so let me have my turquoise eyeliner :)

Here I am, basic and just ME.

I hope I haven't scared anyone....LOL. I was told I have a good shaped head so at least that is a plus LOL. 

Anyhow, there you have it...I'm expecting Kojak jokes :) 

The important thing is: to always be yourself and to have fun and humor when you are going through some trifling bullshit. It's what gets me through the day. And to surround yourself with people that genuinely care about your well being. ( all my wonderful friends and family that have been very patient with me....That's all that matters. OH and good food too :) and unsweetened iced teas :)

Again, thank you for Vogue Wigs for helping me get through all of this with some fun and some humor...http://www.voguewigs.com/ They really are a great company and have helped many women...

And again, if  this post of my bald head motivated you to donate to the Breast Cancer walk I am doing in July:please click :)  http://www.the3day.org/goto/jenyong

Do I feel a breeze in here? HAHAHH :)

Again, thanks for all the support! <3

-Jen

MRI/ Hearts/Benadryl Grossness/Donating

MOVING
Sorry folks I know I haven't written since the beginning of the month. I have been super busy and overwhelmed with packing and moving into my new place:

new living room- this is not even half my crap- trust me!

I am moving from my beloved city side mission hill mecca (hehe pun since we did have a mecca living with us before) from having my roommate Emily to Allston minus the roommate and Vicky:( It will be a big change but I think it will be good for me in the long run...but TRUST me this was not something I wanted to do in between chemo treatments and other crap. It was kind of all of a sudden...but shit happens and life must go on so what can you do? I have been consumed with buying home goods and getting my very own furniture for the first time ever. All the stuff in my old apartment was Emily's so shopping for a brand new couch was both fun and annoying. Furniture stores are so weird and overwhelming...

MRI

Anyhow, moving on the cancer bullshit I know you all have been waiting for: the past 2 weeks consists of some interesting appointments...I had another MRI done which was OK. It was on a Saturday morning and it was eerily quiet and creepy at the hospital. The two nurses I had were super sweet and gossiped over the "toddlers and tiaras" show and told me they loved all my jewelry and tattoos...( I tend to get this from every nurse..LOL) ..if i didn't mention this before- I have really weak and weird veins where whenever someone draws blood from either one of my arms- they can never find my vein. I don't know if I'm a freakin' vampire or what- but it literally takes them 4 tries and by the end of it both my arms are always bruised. It's painful when they DIG the needle into my skin. Another fun fact about me is that I can't look when they draw blood and it goes into the little tubes. I literally get sick by even glancing at it, so imagine my neck spasms when I had to keep looking at both directions. 

The funny thing is one of the nurses was looking and trying to essentially hold my hand while the other nurse was trying to poke the needle into my left arm. The other nurse saw my lotus blossom tattoo on my wrist and she literally touched it and told me how cool it was and at that moment they found my vein! I knew the lotus blossom was my flower based on this ridiculous superstition I have about symbolism and things that help me get through shit. 

And I know I posted this pic on my fb before, but since the nurses thought I was a hot jewelry queen, they nicknamed me "glam girl" and wrapped a hot pink bandage on my bruise:

new spring line of jen bandages coming soon to stores :)

This hot pink bandage made climbing into a narrow bed and squishing my boobs in two cut outs while laying face down without moving for 20 minutes more bearable. So far so good.

ECHOCARDIOGRAM

The next uncomfortable appointment was on Valentine's Day. Yes, I got an echocardiogram on the day of disgusting love and hearts. Totally ironic I know. If you don't know what it is- it's basically a sonogram/ultrasound of your heart. The whole thing only lasted about 15 minutes but the tech I had was such a cold human being that it felt like I was there for hours. She had zero personality and was rough and hard. I went in and she told me to get in a johnny...then she awkwardly asked me why I needed this done...AS IF SHE DIDN'T know because these appts are all by referral by my oncologist....so I just said my rehearsed answer "well I have breast cancer and they needed to know how the baseline of my heart because I start the next round of chemo"...all she said was "uh-huh"...she then fake acted like she cared and asked me how I found out- and I had to go through the whole crap about getting laid off and going to the Dr's to use up my insurance and blah blah blah...she replied to it with a "mm hmm" then she was like "I hope you are collecting from the state"...like WTF? Thanks for all your sensitivity. She then told me to face the wall while she smeared that disgusting gel all over my chest and then proceeded to PRESS the FUCKING thing on my ribcage and chest SO hard I was wincing. Awkward. When it was all done she told me not to get up or the gel would get all over my hair and she threw me some towels to "clean up"..WTF I felt like I was a hooker. LOL Anyhow, when she finally left, I snuck a pic of my sonagram because she was stupid enough to leave it up:

don't get excited I'm not knocked up

NEW CHEMO

So that was exciting....now on to the grand finale....NEW CHEMO.

So I have been nervous about starting up my new chemo for the past couple of weeks because I am terrified of the new side effects and the nausea with all the moving and packing. In fact I was so scared of the recovery time that I picked up my key to the new place as early as I could to give myself extra time in case it would affect me badly. Normally I go to my parents and it takes me a week to recover but I was told this chemo has less of the nausea but again it affects everyone differently so I wanted to take caution.  

First off I had it yesterday and It was scheduled for 9am. This means at 9am I first get weighed and all my stats are done...I'd like to point out that both nurses were ooohing and ahhhing over my colorful jewelry again...and I wore the one necklace that I always get compliments on- my white swallow bird one...one of the nurses asked me if it was a dove, and I explained that no, it was a swallow, and that sailors used them as a sign to get back home again when they are travelling far away....(sailor's valentines are one of the most coolest things btw) the other nurse winked at me and said "see we notice things like that" LOL..see, WOMEN just get jewelry. Men don't ever appreciate those things ...HAH.

When that is all done,  I see my oncologist and the nurse practitioner for the results of the MRI and ECHO then they draw blood, I wait and THEN I sign the release form for the new treatment and wait for the blood test results. When it's all clear you get all the presents in one sitting...so chemo didn't start til 11am. I was running soo late. I set my alarm to 7:30 am since I am walking distance to the hospital and I literally woke up at 8:30 am and just sat there and didn't move for about 10 min. I told myself I needed to get my shit together and get ready, but no. I took my time logging onto pandora, finding the appropriate music channel and slowly going through my hamper for my jeans LOL. I didn't leave the apt to close to 8:55am and I BOOKED it through every short cut and side street I knew. I got there at like 9:10 am, so PROPS to me! LOL. 

My oncologist, Dr. Wulfe is pretty awesome. I think she is German, but she always comes in in a hurry- in the middle of conversations with my nurse practitioner Laura-  flips her hair and always carries this tan leather shoulder bag from the 80's. She gets right to the point and tells me that the TUMOR is getting smaller, and that all the MRI's and ECHO look great and then she just says - "just lift your shirt up so I can feel it" HAHHAAH. She then says "she is pleased with the treatments" and asked if I thought about the surgery yet. I told her not really and she told me I was really quiet. I just said I was tired and wanted the day to be over. She smiled and told me i could call her anytime to bitch LOL.

Anyhow, I was by myself as usual. My mom has the whole week off and she offered to come drop me off but it was early and I didn't want to hassle her since I live right down the street. I also told her if I was OK, I would walk home or if I didn't I would just cab it home. Both Steph and Vicky also offered to come meet me to walk me home or take a cab if need be, but I just played it by ear. 

Now comes the fun part. I got my usual nurse Paula and I love her. She is so accommodating and she explains everything as she is doing it and she actually is the type of person that should be a nurse. I imagine her to be an awesome grandma spoiling her grand kids with amazing candies and pies LOL..anyhow my new drugs were now Taxol and Herceptin. My nurse pract. told me that some side effects might be tingling in my hands and feet and my nails might change color...blah. Paula told me that the Herceptin might give me physical chills and to avoid any interaction she was going to give me some Benadryl to relax me and make me sleepy. Now I thought this Benadryl would be pill or liquid form by mouth, but it was INJECTED into me via IV in my port!!!!

The MINUTE she did this, she was like "you will start to feel sleepy" and I literally got drowsy and my eyes were closing...I could FEEL the liquid soaking through my bloodstream and then it HIT me. I felt like I was going to throw up. I started getting really numb in my feet and couldn't move. Not to be completely gross but I could feel vertigo and you know when your mouth waters and it's a sign you are about to blow some chunks? Well it was happening. I didn't know what to do I was paralyzed and freaking out because I couldn't move and I was attached to the IV and I wouldn't make it to the bathroom. By some great miracle my machine beeped and a random nurse came in to fix it... She asked me how I was and I said "I feel like I'm going to throw up" She immediately grabbed me a bowl thing and it was by me in bed and she closed the curtains. I felt a little better that at least if I threw up no one would be looking. ON TOP of all that the physical chills were starting. They gave me a warm blanket and let me tell you it didn't do ANYTHING. I was shivering and have never felt so miserable in my life. Between the nausea and the body change I felt like my body was shutting down. And I was freaking out cause no one was there with me to console me and calm me down. Paula came in and looked mournfully at me. She saw the bowl and told me she would get me my dissolvable anti-nausea med. I took it and hoped for the best. 

I never did throw up. I give my body supppppper props for going through all this shit and never throwing up. The feeling lasted about 20 minutes and it was even more disgusting then the first round of chemo- at least with that the nausea usually sets in slowly and I can control it with meds but this was an onslaught all at once. OMG so sickening and gross. i really don't know if I can go through that 11 more times! ( I have to 12 of these sessions once every week before surgery) ..Paula came back in awhile and told me the next time we could do the Benadryl by mouth instead. Thank GOD.

And of course, moms always know when shit goes down and she had called me earlier but I was knocked out so I called her back half an hr before my treatment would be done and she asked if I wanted her to pick me up. At that point I was so drowsy and disorientated and I needed to get some bottles of water for the apt anyhow and I def. had no desire to walk and lug that crap home, so I quickly caved in and said sure. I stumbled to my mom's car still feeling gross, but she took me out to lunch in my hood and escorted me to walgreens where I could buy not only water but two huge bags of peanut butter m+ms (my new fave) and almond m+ms :)

When I got home to my apt, I sat around for an hour and promptly passed out for a few hours. I am delighted to say that i am not really even nauseous from this chemo at all. I've been eating regularly and its been fine so far but I am worried about how I will feel the next round since I will be moved by that time and will have to drive back here on my own. Guess we will find out. 

OK....I am almost done:

Last but not least:

DONATIONS:

I know you guys are sick of all my FB postings about this and I don't want to nag and I hate asking people for favors but Me and Vicky are doing the Susan Komen 3 day walk for Breast Cancer in July and we would really appreciate if people would help us out and donate. I am hoping that my surgery will be over by then because I was actually advised not to do it by my surgeon, but how many times do people say no in your life and you push yourself anyways? And this is something that I am really looking forward in doing and think it would make me feel stronger and better and more myself again. And I get to wear hot pink and look fabulous so why not? The 3 day walk is 60 miles in total, and we both have to raise $2300 in order to even DO the walk. We will be putting on some benefits and some money raising ideas in the next couple of months ( maybe a silent auction/raffle, etc) so we will try to give back as much as we can. If you have already donated (which a few people already have) THANK YOU SOOOO much, it made me so happy!! So far I've raised $285, (EDIT- as of this post $405!- THANK YOU!! ) so I am very happy about that. 

If you are interested in donating here is my personal page:

http://www.the3day.org/goto/jenyong

Once you click on it it will be my page where you can donate directly to me. If you want to donate to Vicky as well, you can click on our team name "Pippi's Longstockings" and then you can click on Vicky's name. If you want to participate and join in the walk with us you can do it on that page as well! The more the merrier!!!! :) They have a deal going on now if you enter the code "save25" it takes $25 off the registration fee which is a big help!

Hope you can join or donate! It would mean a whole bunch to us!

Next time I will do a bigger blog on this as it gets closer to the date but I wanted to start on it now!

Again, thanks everyone for your continuing love and support and friendship...I'm almost there :)

xoxoxxoox Jen or Mizz Pip :) <3

No Man's Land

CHEMO III and CHEMO IV
I know I have been super behind in all my posts but I have been in a sort of whirlwind carefree denial about things lately. I seem to be stuck on random memories. My mind keeps wandering back to over this past summer before all of this shit happened. When I had ALL my hair that I constantly complained about and kept blowing in my face- rewind to where I lounged on the rooftop of my apt, basking in the haze of the hot, humid city sun- hearing the train and kids yelling and sipping unlimited iced teas, laughing over stupid shit with Vicky and not really worrying much about what was going to happen the next day or the day after that. I worked out every day and I felt my body get stronger and I was following a regiment and was proud of it.  I was finally happy with where I was going - body wise and it was a lot of work but it was worth it. 

***SIGH***

Now a days, the air is colder and I'm wrapped up in like 10 layers of hoodies and my new found obsession with hats and I can feel my body just kinda getting a little bit weaker and it depresses me a little. I haven't really worked out actively for about 2 months now- I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still active and eat healthy and take little walks when I can etc, but I def. feel a shift in my body- Kinda like its saying: "UUUHHH what are you doing to me now? I hate you, stop torturing me!!" I just haven't been motivated to physically do it. And I don't even know why. Everyone tells me to "take it easy" and you don't need to worry so much about it, but to me i obsess about it because it's something I can easily control. Weight wise I am still the same which perplexes me. I have counted a handful of times where people- who I haven't really seen in awhile and don't know about the cancer, take one look at me and say "wow, you lost a lot of weight"...in some ways its satisfying that someone notices but at the same time it's like well, fucked up because I have the fucking cancer!!!!! I almost want to scream "It's because my appetite is all fucked up and my stomach is constantly in pain and it's hard for me to enjoy a lot of good food anymore- so I eat less".  i don't know. I know I am being completely ridiculous but I am neurotic so this is the shit that goes on in my head. Weight is all irrelevant I know since it comes with the territory but I'm really not in the mood to gain any weight since I worked my ass to get it off.  And I can't buy anymore new jeans since I am unemployed LOL.


I don't want to bore everyone with all the details of the last 2 chemo sessions but CHEMO III was okay. Not much more I can say about it.  I was still a bit nauseous before/after and my new nurse Paula was pretty great and paced me with all the meds so when I got home the last time, I pretty much took zofran/ativan morning noon and night to not deal with the nausea and just ate what I wanted. I def felt like I overate at times but like my mother says "at least you have your appetite." So I kinda just went with the flow and enjoyed what I could eat.


CHEMO IV which I just had this past Monday was a really tough one for me. Tough in the fact that it was my last chemo session for this horrible nauseating cycle. This does not mean I'm off the hook just yet folks- it just means the worst part of the chemo is over. i dreaded this day for weeks and weeks. In fact the week before, I had my little bday outing because my Dr gave me an extra week to re-coop from the last chemo and it was the one week in this whole ordeal when I felt myself again. i felt normal and I wasn't sick for once. I didn't have to take any pills and I ran my normal errands like I always did.  I was giggly and happy and excited to go out for once because I haven't gone out with my friends to a club in weeks....I was excited to get all dolled up and just do something fun and not think about all this shit over and over again. I felt whole again during that week- almost felt like all of this was just a blur and it was just a really bad horrible dream. Of course when I put on my strapless dress on and got ready alone upstairs in my apt, I saw in the mirror that my port was sticking out on my chest a little, and I could see my scar from the surgery and my wig was a little crooked, and I still hated wearing pantyhose- BUT it was okay... I was going to be normal and have fun that night. GODDAMN IT!


*As a side note- a lot of my old high school friends came out and a few people I didn't even expect to come out actually came out and hung out and I wanted to say thank u to everyone that did- it was def a fun night and it touched me that so many of you came out to represent- even in the cold and snow :) only after a lil fb evite...I'm still sorry the venue wasn't the greatest and the DJ sucked but I was still glad I saw all of you :)


Anyhow, AGAIN I digress....this last chemo I was jumpy and just eager for it to be over. My mind was really not in the greatest place. I'm actually moving next month to another apt and I'm actually pretty sad about it...I love the roof and my room and the sunlight and all the fun memories I had in the past year at this place (and of course living with my friends Vicky and Emily) and I was dealing with finding other people to live there and thinking about packing all my shit up and surrendering my lil haven just gives me anxiety. My dad was with me for most of the morning but of course right before the chemo starts, he always takes off a little early....this is not because he wants to or he is being un-supportive or any of that shit- because my dad has been pretty great and sensitive with this bullshit. He gets me all the junk food I want and cooks me little gourmet steaks at like 10pm and buys me random stuffed animals because he thinks I am eternally 10 in his eyes....LOL... I think it's just hard for him to watch them pump all these chemicals into his little girl so he keeps himself occupied by going shopping then coming back to pick me up LOL.  I know it's hard for him and he tries to tell me things like "hey, you actually don't look bad bald" and gives me that cheer up kiddo nudge :)


I don't know. This time around I was just mentally not there and on top of that my stomach was in knots and is actually STILL hurting me now and it's Friday night. They actually ran out of chairs so I got a bed this time but it was not re-assuring since it gave me flashbacks of last month when I was in the hospital for a week: Sitting there alone, I almost broke into tears for no reason. I just looked around and there were so many other people there- both young and old and it made me choke up that we all had to go thru this fucked up journey and somehow try to remain positive through it. My nurse Paula kinda saw that I was a lil upset so she kept reassuring me and said "you will never have to deal with this cycle again- so congrats!!" ....I still felt like shit though and super emotional.  The next day -I dragged myself out of bed- (groggy, nauseous, depressed and all)  to get my final neulasta shot with Paula. 
 It was over in less than a minute along with a swig of dissolvable zofran in my mouth. Back to bed I went. 

what a sterile view :)

Thanks Steph for my light reading :)

not feeling so hot

Also, the mere thought of the word "chemo" makes me want to physically throw up all week.        (And thank god I still haven't on that note) I can't even look at red drinks or HI-C or fruit punch or anything that makes me remotely think of the medication because it literally turns my stomach.  I also have eaten less this week because of this word association I am playing in my mind.  I know it's just all in my head and I should be happy that this cycle is over but I'm really not. I just feel doom and dread and the next cycle is really going to KILL me if not send me over the edge. My DR. has informed me that I will have to do the next cycle of chemo 12 times. Once a week.  ONCE a FREAKIN WEEK for 12 FUCKING TIMES.  AND I have to speak to a surgeon, get a new MRI and an echo-cardiogram in the next week. Needless to say I am a walking bag of nerves and a wreck. But I am trying to just stay focused and be positive and not freak out. Maybe it's time for another pretty dress to  buy to distract me. At least I won that $100 gift card from voguewigs.com so I can at least entertain you all with new videos/pictures and ridiculous posts :)

FLASHBACK: SUNNY DAYS ON THE ROOF= my happy place.


ALSO in case you missed my crazy post on FB as a thank u for all the support/bday wishes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4NHpqoJNhQ

NEXT BLOG: SUSAN KOMEN 3 DAY WALK and how you can help me!


XOXOXO Jen
Thank you for reading, caring and bitching along with me <3

Holiday Fever

Christmas was super tough this year. I got the majority of my shopping done in the beginning of the month because I would afraid I would have no energy for it later on. And boy was I right. Shopping- something I usually love was getting to be very tiresome for me. You know how it's freezing out and you have like ten layers on, then you go inside and it feels like a sauna and then you have to carry all your shit around while balancing 6 bags, a drink and then some????- YEAH not fun. I got tired and hot really easily and I have been perpetually sick after every chemo so shopping required lots of fluids and being a bit dizzy.

This time, CHEMO III was scheduled for 3 days after Xmas- 12/28. I absolutely dreaded this day- it seems they always schedule all my chemo's around holidays and it just sucks because I can't ever enjoy them without it hanging over my head. And I can't change it because I am on a 2 week cycle.

Anyhow- my parents do Christmas a little differently then most families. My dad always has to work on Christmas at like 10am so usually it's a mad dash to get up early, open the presents, and my poor dad has to rush to work while me, my mom and bro usually go out to eat. This year since I have an apt, and they knew I wasn't feeling well, they decided to do the opposite and either go out and have dinner or do takeout after my dad got out of work and do presents later on in the evening. So the plan was for me to pack all my stuff to stay at my parents throughout chemo and go over the house before 7:30 pm...

Yeah well that didn't really happen. All day on Christmas I was feeling like crap. I started doing my laundry and even doing that was hard. I kept taking naps every couple of hours and had no motivation packing any of my stuff. My brother had just gotten me a new bed the day before so all I wanted to do was just stay in my empty apt and not go anywhere. When I finally mustered enough energy to leave it was almost 10pm. My parents weren't mad- they told me to take my time but I felt bad since they bought take out hours ago and everyone was waiting on me.

So we had dinner and opened presents half an hr before midnite. I kept fading in and out because I was extremely hot and uncomfortable and keep sweating a lot...I thought I just had the flu...for the next two days it was the same but now my temperature was rising. A 99F is considered having a fever so now my temperature was fluctuating between 99-103F. I really didn't want to go to the hospital in the middle of the night but my mom was concerned so I called the oncologist that was on call. Surprisingly he was an intern and told me because of the neulasta shot that it was normal to have a fever and that if I felt any worse to call in the morning. I found this odd since legally they usually make you come in if they don't really know what is wrong over the phone and they can't advise you not to. The next day I felt worse. My nurse practitioner called me the next day (appt day) to ask how I was feeling. She told me since I had a fever I needed to come in early to do blood tests and that I probably wouldn't get treatment because of my condition.

So I went in early and had to wait awhile for my blood test results. When the nurse saw me she told me that I had a really high fever and that my white blood cell count was dangerously low. Not only would no treatment would happen- but I would have to be admitted to the hospital upstairs. My heart sank. I wasn't prepared to be admitted to the hospital and didn't have anything on me and was looking forward to lunch with my mom and bro but now I was confined to a room. I thought I would be in there for a day- instead I was there from 12/28/11- 1/1/12..so HAPPY Fuckin' New Years to me!...

waiting for my room

HOSPITAL STAY
I had to stay in a holding area for a few hours until a room was ready for me and I was sooo restless and depressed....I really felt like I was going to cry but I held it in. I hate crying in public and would never do it, so I forced myself to stop. My mom and bro were with me for most of the time but they were growing restless and hungry so I sent them home. I was also starving and miraculously a few hours later Vicky and her daughter Lori showed up with not only food but my beloved iced tea. Thank God. They came upstairs with me when I was finally transferred.
For the most part all the nurses were really wonderful at Beth Israel. I got all different ages on all different shifts and all of them were patient and attentive and really nice. I was hooked up to an IV most of the time I was there and it really made going to the bathroom a bitch. I had to unplug it and roll it with me to the small cramped bathroom.  Since I had so many fluids pumped into me I literally had to pee like 17 times the first night I was there. They even have to measure my pee every time I went so that was pleasant to deal with. And not to be disgusting but my stupid feminine problem also had to happen during the whole time I was at the hospital so I was very agitated on top of that.  I also had a random  UTI while at the hospital....and I had pints and pints of blood drawn every day- they wanted to check to make sure if I either had the flu or any type of infection. If you have never had the flu check by having two cotton sticks stuck up all the way up your nose- then I would not suggest it - it was very uncomfortable and made me feel like what and Egyptian might be going through when they had their brains pulled through their nose.
All in all it was difficult. I could barely sleep, I was uncomfortable and I was lonely. The only solace I had was taking a nice long hot shower and using my new girly body wash.

I also forced myself to have some hospital food which wasn't too bad. They had a very extensive menu to my surprise ....LOL. I ordered tons of water since I am always thirsty and I hate having trash around me but I couldn't throw out anything I drank because they had to keep track of my fluids. I felt like I was on hoarders! HAHA! I ate a lot of low fat jello and low cholesterol eggs LOL. I refused to leave my room since I had to wear a mask so I pretty much confined myself to 5 days of solitude. Plus I felt self conscious since wearing my wig was hot so I just took it off. When I muster enought courage I will post my bald picture here soon.

yummy mushroom omelette and TATER TOTS

I did have a bunch of amazing visitors some multiple times....thanks to Mom, Darren (both for coming backand forth to hospital to get me my things) Vicky (she did an all nighter! and made me homemade bean curd soup), Lori, O'neill,( yummy chocolates) Jeanine, ( my elegant new makeup palette) Matt, Maria, Pasco, ( my delicious teas and candies) Josh, (starbuckkkkks) Chris, (thank u soo much for lending me your ipad and bringing me ice teas, chocolates and gummy treats) Emily (delicious Fridays food and nice poster) and Sandra (fashion mags galore)  for coming by and keeping me smiling and bringing me all sorts of wonderful treats. You guys are awesome! And I have wonderful friends and family that look out for me.

thanks emily and her pre-schoolers

i saw this long after josh left LOL

After a few days my fever went down and I felt better but I had to spend NYE in the hospital. It was pretty shitty. Esp. every year I always get all dolled up and go out to town and have fun. I knew i wasn't going to have energy this year or time to recover since I thought I was going to have chemo so I felt a bit somber and I really didn't want ANY company. BUT it was nice my mom came by (can't ever say no to moms) for a long time and then Jen and Jeanine came and brought contraband champagne to have a toast ( I drank water of course) ...even my mom drank some which I was surprised LOL. After they left, Vicky and Lori came for the countdown and we watched Lady Gaga and Dick Clark drop his ball in Times Square. (HAHA I always say that every year) Watching Dick Clark announce things inside and obviously in pain made me a little sad. I always remembered him being so alive and outside while all the confetti flew around him.  :( Anyhow, I didn't see any fireworks in Boston from my room but.....

At least I had a beautiful view in my room

Room 1182 I'll miss u

The next morning I was itching to leave the hospital. It was New Years Day and it was beautiful and sunny out. The nurse talked about giving me a blood transfusion but the Dr. felt it was unnecessary ( thank god because I am squemish when it comes to shit like that!!! ) Did I mention all the male Drs. I had looked like they were 12 and reminded me of Doogie Houser? LOL...Anyhow, he was really nice and told me I would be released in an hour or 2!

I was free on Jan 1st, 2012, and the first thing I did with my mom and bro was go to Cheesecake Factory and eat to my hearts content.

right out of the hospital

excited for food!

I took a few days to relax before my follow up appt....more to come on that ....

I just want to say:

Thank you everyone for your continuing support...

next blogs: chemo III and wig fun.

keep reading and help me stay positive through this shit! :)