Bad Genes/Jen

SO..so far I have done 3 of the new chemo treatments out of 12. Tomorrow will be number 4. SIGH. Although lately these rounds have been less nauseous and more controllable, I have been less controllable with my emotions.

I used to be on anti-depressants- well I shouldn't say used to be, I still am, but after I found out about the cancer, I kind of just stopped taking my meds. And I can def. feel my anger resurfacing again.I know that is prob bad, but with all the new meds I had to take, I just kind of put it on the back burner. I have been flipping out at everyone but no one seems to understand how mentally draining all of this is. Things that aren't as important to a normal person is like 5,000 more heightened TO ME because I can't enjoy life the way I want to right now and I feel like I really shouldn't have to ask or explain myself to anyone because this is the shit I have to deal with -( constantly mentally alone)- so any little thing you or anyone can say to me I'm going to internalize it and flip out- esp if I feel like it's insulting or belittling in any way... Now THAT BEING SAID
 if you already know that about me and I'm a bit sensitive- isn't it easier to say something to someone in a less insulting way then SAYING IT THE ONE *&^%$# WAY THAT UPSETS THEM OR PISSES THEM OFF?

10,00000000 ways to express yourself and you have to be rude?SERIOUSLY? I really don't get it. I really don't. 

UGH. *&^%$#%&*())*^%$#$@!$^&*

anyhow I am just so disgusted and annoyed and just over things lately. I got in fights with my mom, my brother...hardly my dad because he stays away from me in my moods ( and for some reason he just understands how I am and doesn't get angry), and OTHER people "close" to me as well.

I just can't deal with negativity right now. And I'm just drained and tired from all of it. If you want to be there then act like it and don't be rude to me. Plain and simple. JUST BE THERE AND BE SUPPORTIVE.

Anyhow, sorry for the rant.  I hate this new chemo. Up until the first round, everything was ok, but now my menstrual cycle all of a sudden stopped and I'm even bitchier than before. I constantly feel bloated and gross and OH the new meds have steroids in them so it makes me gain weight. Last week they weighed me and I was so upset I gained 5 lbs in about 2.5 weeks that I started working out again and brought a brand new scale to track my progress. I think I lost 2 of the lbs I gained but I've been eating so bad this week that I don't even think working out 3 days in a row at 2:30 am helped.  I know most people will tell me I'm being dumb with the weight stuff because I am going through CANCER and that is the least of my worries and that I always get that I "look" thin to some people...but I don't ever feel it and it just sucks that I worked so hard 4 months ago to feel good about myself and now I just feel blah and not put together. It was the one thing I could control and now that is like going out the door too.. >_<

AND IT'S a BIG DEAL TO ME because it's MY body and I know when I feel shitty. So leave me alone!

My hair is growing back slowly but It's obviously never going to be 100%. again and every time I go pee - I know this sounds gross, but it's like I can smell the chemo meds.... it's just nasty. UGH. I mean at least it's not red now like before but it makes me feel BLAH. Also, I have the pleasure of getting the menopausal side effects so I constantly have hot flashes. Like EVERY second. Before wearing the wig was somewhat bearable but now I am literally in pools of sweat because my body temperature is back and forth. The nurse gave me a script to control it but I dont really want to add another med to my body. I keep turning the heat on and off in my apt and it's driving me nuts because I don't have windows... just 2 sliding doors in both my living room and bedroom and I'm anal about leaving them open when I'm home alone. Well, I'm always alone, but that is besides the point. 

Sigh. at least for chemo 3, my good friend Jeanine kept me company. Most of you probably don't know Jeanine but she is one of my closest friends from high school, and both her and my other friend Jen (also known as O'neill )  have always been there for me for tough shit through the years so it was nice of her to offer to come drive me to chemo and keep me company for over 3+ hrs. First off she brought me all sorts of treats- from gummy bears to elvis notebooks and games for chemo...and I also got this lil fellow:

He peeps when you pick him up :)

She also bought me a mickey mouse fishing game which we played all of 10 minutes before we got annoyed and gave up HAHAHAH, much to the delight of Paula my nurse who thought we were 10.

here fishy fishy :)

She also brought a spongebob keychain we made and it was quite complicated with all the stickers, foam shapes and strings we had to cut!

SKILLZ!

Chemo is really depressing and long so it was nice to have company for the whole thing. Vicky has come before and brought me lunch and goodies but this was a nice lil  sometimes treat for me. I always feel its draining/pushy to ask someone to come with me to this because it takes a lot of time and patience and it's not fun to sit in a room full of sick people.

jeanine being super patient lol

This time I did get a private room and bed so I got to lie down a little bit...

anchors aweigh boys! :)

Sorry I'm looking like a mess in that last photo. Anyhow, this time they gave me the benadryl in pill form so THANK GOD I didn't get sick and nauseous. I did get sleepy and euphoric. The smell of the saline still makes me gag tho. UGH. During the whole time I had to keep going to the bathroom to pee and I had to unplug myself and drag the machine with me so that was fun. Bladder control is a skill I must tell you!

Prior to chemo I saw my oncologist- Dr. Wulfe, and my nurse practioner Laura. Laura told me the typical weight gain was about 10+ lbs on this chemo and I was like "great" she told me it seemed like I was doing fine with the meds, and that they only really gave the steroids to avoid interactions between the meds so for that day she cut the steroids in half and tomorrow when I go they will cut it out period. Let's hope I don't get sick. Dr. Wulfe says the tumor looks much better and she told me to start thinking about surgery and that they might use my body fat from other parts of my body and that OH she got my genetics test. I have been waiting to hear results from this since my blood sample was sent in like 3 weeks ago but the geneticist hadn't called me back yet...

SO...

apparently I have a "deleterious" BRCA2 gene - which basically means I am at super high risk for the cancer to return in about 5 years. And I also have a risk of ovarian cancer as well later on in my life. 

GREAT. FML. Somehow I knew that was coming. So now I feel like I am never going to get rid of this crap in my body no matter how many chemo treatments and surgeries I have. I will never feel like it's completely gone because it's essentially been passed to me from my dad's side of the family. 

So folks, this means jen yong will probably have to do the bilateral mastectomy this spring/summer. UGH. I'm going to do a separate post later this week about all of the genetics part since I had a separate appt. addressing it I know this is already long and it's a lot to read for right now, but so far this is what is going to happen. This means I'm going to prob be undergoing a very long surgery and recovery time. So goodbye to summer :(

I mean I'm not nervous about it now but I know when it comes time and I have to look at my body AFTER the surgery I'm going to totally be freaked out. But what can I do? This is what is in my cards and what I am dealt with. I don't want to just do a lumpectomy ( just getting rid of the cancerous breast) because if this returns- whats the point? I just don't want to EVER deal with chemo again in my life. So if I'm young now and my body can obviously handle all this crap- I mind as well go for the gold now! ....SIGH. 

This also might screw up the time line of the walk I'm doing but I knew this might be a problem so if I can't do it all I will at least try to do some of it for all of you that has donated to me! But it also depresses me because I really was looking forward to doing it 100%. I even started buying pink/black workout walking gear :-/

I don't know when all of it will be getting better. I'm just sick of everything at the moment. And support is what I really need. 

thanks Jeanine for coming!

I am just trying to juggle everything. Ugh. My apt is still a mess and I have like lost all steam finishing it up....I've been moody and upset with people and I just feel alone and restless.

AND I"M STILL COUCH LESS GODDAMN IT.

Hopefully April will be a little bit better. :( BIG GIANT TRIPLE SIGH.